By: Sarah Thompson
Updated: July 20, 2020
Originally Published: November 25, 2015
When adoption is discussed on social media, you often encounter phrases like “born in my heart, not under it,” along with sentiments about being “chosen” or “blessed.” However, if you look deeper, you’ll find a complex tapestry of emotions, including the heartache of birth mothers who wrestle with their decisions.
I have three children—two of whom are adopted (one was born biologically, and the other two came to us from China). Our latest adoption was finalized over two years ago, so to me, they’re simply my kids, not my adopted kids. We’ve moved past the adjustment phase, and life feels normal—or as normal as it can be.
Those heartfelt adoption memes that occasionally grace my social media feed resonate with me. Our family is the result of adoption, and this journey has taught me invaluable lessons about myself and life. I often reflect on the unexpected paths our adoptions have taken us on. Sometimes I wonder, “How did I get here?” Sure, it’s a line from a Talking Heads song, but it captures the essence of life’s unpredictability. My 20s were filled with self-centered decisions, and I never would have imagined these life-altering twists. But that’s perfectly fine.
Adoption has opened doors I never anticipated and has influenced every aspect of my life. Here are some key takeaways from my experience:
1. Embracing New Cultures
As a white woman from South Texas, I’ve always celebrated traditional holidays like Thanksgiving and Christmas, indulging in Tex-Mex cuisine. However, welcoming Asian children into our family has broadened my cultural horizons. While my kids are American—Texans, nonetheless—their Asian heritage carries a responsibility for me to acknowledge and incorporate into our daily lives. I strive to honor their culture, even if I sometimes feel I’m falling short. Celebrating events like Lunar New Year and Moon Festival has been enlightening, expanding my worldview in ways I didn’t expect.
2. Understanding Hurt and Healing
I once saw adoption solely as a joyous occasion, but it’s much more layered than that. While postpartum depression is widely recognized, few understand post-adoption depression, which hit me harder than I anticipated. The emotional landscape is isolating, especially when considering the many children who remain unadopted. My visits to China exposed me to the heartbreaking reality of kids without families, which deeply impacted me. “Saving a child” wasn’t our motivation for adopting, but witnessing the plight of countless children left behind broke my heart.
3. Patience and Diplomacy
I’ve always been someone who wants things done instantly, but adoption requires endless waiting and navigating a mountain of paperwork. It’s akin to an unpredictable pregnancy. While I haven’t become a saint of patience, I’ve learned to accept the waiting game. This shift in mindset has improved my parenting and overall happiness. I’ve also had to handle intrusive questions—like “Why didn’t you adopt from your own country?”—with grace. I’ve learned to protect my kids’ privacy and not let rude comments ruin my day, although I won’t hesitate to tell someone to mind their own business when necessary.
4. Adoption Is Not Second Best
Had I not faced fertility challenges, my husband and I might not have considered adoption at all. I wrestled with the concern that I wouldn’t bond with my adopted children as I might with biological ones. Truthfully, the attachment process wasn’t always easy. Looking back, I can confidently say that I love my adopted kids just as fiercely as any biological child. The journey may have been challenging, but it has been worthwhile.
I often say, “Nothing surprises me anymore,” yet my family’s adoption journey continues to astonish me. I anticipated that adoption would merely increase the number of people in my household, but it has enriched my life in ways I never imagined. The most profound lesson I’ve learned is that life continually offers opportunities for growth and discovery. My experiences with adoption have reshaped every facet of my existence, adding complexity and joy in a wonderfully noisy and chaotic way. If you’re interested in learning more about the adoption process, check out this post on adoption insights or consider exploring options for home insemination kits through Make A Mom. The CDC also provides excellent resources for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, adoption has profoundly influenced my life, offering unexpected lessons and experiences that continue to shape who I am as a parent and individual.
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