When you become a parent, two thoughts often swirl in your mind: “I hope my child takes after me,” and “I hope they don’t!” More often than not, reality grants you a mix of both, albeit in unexpected ways. I experienced this firsthand last week as I found myself on the floor, comforting my 7-year-old son, Alex, who was sobbing uncontrollably about having too many friends! Yes, you heard that right.
I often play a mental game where I envision the challenges my son might face and how I’ll support him through them. But never did I imagine that I’d be wiping away tears while he lamented, “Everyone wants to play with me, but sometimes I just want to be alone!” I had to stifle a laugh—seriously, how is this an actual problem? Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember plenty of meltdowns, but they usually revolved around insecurities like, “Why is my nose so big?” or “I just want to fit in!”
Yet, with my son rolling around on the floor, I knew it was important to take his feelings seriously. Alex isn’t just a clone of me; he’s a natural leader. Other kids gravitate toward him. Despite being smaller than his classmates and having stepped away from sports, he possesses a sharp wit and a vivid imagination. He’s confident to a fault, often believing he excels at everything—even if I gently remind him otherwise.
For instance, when he insists, “Mom, my John Travolta impression is incredible!” I have to respond, “Well, it’s not quite Oscar-worthy, sweetheart.” Still, his outgoing nature and self-assuredness draw his peers to him like moths to a flame. It turns out, leading a “friendship group” can be exhausting, especially when all he wants is to enjoy some solo playtime as he imagines himself as various superheroes or even Groucho Marx.
I reassured him that it’s perfectly fine to express, “Hey guys, I need some alone time today.” However, he was particularly worried about hurting the feelings of one friend. This was a new experience for me because, typically, Alex needs reminders to consider how others feel. He’s the kid who, when instructed by his first-grade teacher to pledge to help someone who falls, claimed it would be dishonest since he wasn’t inclined to do so. But in this instance, I felt proud. He genuinely cared about his friend’s feelings.
I had the delicate task of explaining that while it’s essential to be mindful of others, he isn’t responsible for their emotions. It’s a tricky lesson, but I think he grasped it—at least as much as a 7-year-old with a big ego can. The following day, I walked with him as he awkwardly told his friend about his need for personal space without it reflecting any negative feelings toward him. (It’s not you; it’s me.) To my surprise, after all the drama, the friend simply shrugged and said, “OK.”
This experience taught me that it’s possible to be both kind and firm about one’s boundaries. Had I learned this lesson as a child, perhaps I wouldn’t be the people-pleaser I am today, constantly tiptoeing around others’ feelings. I’d probably be able to tell my son, with confidence, just how unremarkable his Travolta impression really is.
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In summary, navigating the complexities of childhood friendships can be challenging, but teaching kids about boundaries and empathy is crucial. My son’s experience has opened a dialogue about the importance of self-care and consideration for others in friendships.
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