I’m a proud mother of two wonderful children. My youngest will turn 4 this summer, but it was just last January that I finally weaned him after a long breastfeeding journey. The weaning process was a significant challenge, leaving me feeling physically drained and emotionally overwhelmed. There were plenty of tears—both from me and him.
So, when my partner and I discovered we were expecting baby number three, I found myself grappling with feelings of nervousness and even dread about reliving the breastfeeding experience. This self-doubt, of course, led to a wave of guilt. Some mothers may find it puzzling that despite having nursed a toddler, I don’t feel entirely confident about breastfeeding again. But here I am, feeling exhausted even before my newest little one arrives.
The Early Days
When my first child was born, he spent his initial weeks in the NICU, learning to eat via a feeding tube. My partner and I stayed by his side, insisting the nurses use my breast milk for feedings. We engaged in hours of skin-to-skin contact and attempted countless times to encourage him to latch on. It broke my heart that breastfeeding felt like such an uphill battle; however, my child was thriving, and our love for him allowed me to set aside my frustrations and focus on his progress.
A Different Experience
The arrival of my youngest was a stark contrast. He latched on immediately and continued nursing for nearly three years. While breastfeeding wasn’t my favorite activity, I can’t deny it created a profound bond between us. Even now, I feel an instinctive desire to comfort him, which manifests in holding him close and whispering sweet songs to soothe him to sleep.
Throughout that nearly three-year journey, I often felt like my body wasn’t my own. My arms, lap, and breasts seemed to belong to someone else. Society tells us mothers to be selfless, to give every part of ourselves to our children. But I was exhausted—physically and emotionally drained from nursing and dealing with clogged ducts. I felt uncomfortable with physical intimacy because my breasts were off-limits, as they were primarily for my child.
Finding Closure
I longed for the end of this chapter—so much so that I developed a feeling akin to skin crawling. Any mother nearing the end of their breastfeeding journey may recognize this as an emotional signal indicating it’s time to wean. So, I followed my instincts, exploring gentle weaning methods. After months of struggle, I eventually consulted a lactation expert who helped me devise a strategy to navigate the end of our nursing relationship. We both cried—it was a bittersweet conclusion to a beautifully complex time.
Let me be clear: Despite the challenges, I cherish my breastfeeding experience with my youngest, as it significantly contributed to the strong bond we share today. Yet, the personal struggles and family pressures I faced weigh heavily on my heart as I prepare for this final pregnancy. I can’t help but feel anxious about whether breastfeeding my next child will be as fraught with emotion as it was with my first. I worry about the possibility of failing again.
Support and Understanding
My partner has been incredibly supportive, reminding me that we have two healthy and happy children. He reassures me that if breastfeeding doesn’t go as planned, it’s okay. Our baby will receive nourishment one way or another. He holds my hand, emphasizing that my concerns show how much I care about doing what’s best for our family—whether that includes nursing or not.
Breastfeeding is not as straightforward as it seems. It’s a nuanced physiological and emotional journey for both mother and child. When issues arise, or if nursing doesn’t work out, it can leave lasting emotional scars. I’ve felt that pain, and the memory still lingers.
Embracing Uncertainty
As I count down the days until I meet my new baby, I’m also working on calming my fears surrounding breastfeeding. I remind myself that it may work out beautifully or might not—but either way, we will all be just fine. For more insights on this topic, check out this other blog post that dives deeper into breastfeeding experiences.
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Conclusion
In summary, my journey through breastfeeding has been filled with ups and downs. As I prepare for the arrival of my third child, I am learning to embrace the uncertainties and trust that no matter the outcome, my family will thrive.