Updated: July 18, 2016
Originally Published: Oct. 22, 2015
Do I appear scared in that photo? Honestly, I can’t recall if I was terrified or just dazed from the post-C-section medications, which are no joke. I do remember thinking the hospital food tasted like a gourmet feast, but I realized later I had the munchies thanks to the pain meds.
It was undeniable that I felt overwhelmed and a bit frightened. I figured that feeling terrified was a reasonable reaction to being responsible for two newborns. What if I messed everything up? What if I somehow harmed them? What if they grew up to be fans of a terrible football team? The fears were tangible, folks.
Reflecting on it now, I should have recognized the signs when just a few days after giving birth, I snapped at a nurse, erupted at three family members, and experienced a panic attack that only subsided after my doctor sat on the floor beside me and held my hand while my brother took me for a walk to calm down. At the time, I chalked it up to hormones and assumed I would bounce back. I was gravely mistaken.
I was more concerned about falling into depression, as I knew those signs well and had a plan in place if I felt sad. What I wasn’t prepared for was the anxiety that would steal any joy I had in motherhood.
In hindsight, there were glaring red flags, but I pushed through, doing what I thought I needed to survive each day. I washed and assembled 20 bottles every day, feeling an overwhelming need to line them up perfectly, convinced that something terrible would happen if I didn’t. I worried about running out of formula if I had fewer than three large tubs in the pantry. One tub lasted about four days, but I couldn’t shake the fear of a crisis preventing us from getting more food for 12 days.
One day, when I left my sons in the car with my partner for a quick trip into the store, panic struck as I couldn’t immediately see the truck. Within moments, I was in full-blown panic mode, tears streaming down my face, convinced something had gone wrong or that my partner had taken off with the boys. In reality, he had merely pulled over to wait for me.
I wouldn’t dare leave the house for a quick trip to Target without packing 10 diapers and four bottles. That should have been enough for at least eight hours, but I had a nagging feeling that something could go wrong if I didn’t prepare for every possible scenario.
As my boys grew older, my anxiety shifted. I went from fearing they would starve to worrying they were falling behind developmentally because of my inadequate parenting. When they hadn’t started talking or walking by their 15-month check-up, I was convinced something was wrong. Sure enough, they qualified for our state’s early intervention program.
For two years, I felt like a failure as a mother, struggling with the feeling that I was an imposter. I had always been a smart person, but I felt utterly lost when it came to my own children.
It took me two years to finally acknowledge that my reality and perception were at odds. Don’t let this happen to you. If any of this resonates, please don’t hesitate to seek help. You have not failed, and you are not a bad mom. Our body chemistry can be unpredictable, and support is available. You are not alone in this struggle—research shows that postpartum anxiety is more common than the widely recognized postpartum depression.
Know that there’s hope. I received incredible support and made significant strides in a short time. The hardest part was admitting I needed help. Thankfully, my doctor didn’t view me as crazy or lazy; he understood my struggles and guided me through treatment options.
You can overcome this. A simple trip to the mall doesn’t need to involve hours of planning and multiple bags. A cough doesn’t equate to a life-threatening situation for your child. A bump on the head is likely just that—a bump.
Today, my boys are thriving; they’re inquisitive, amusing, and bright. And while I still have concerns about their future sports affiliations, I’ve learned to let go of my need for control, and that’s okay.
If you’re looking for more insights on navigating motherhood, check out this other blog post here. Additionally, for those considering at-home insemination, visit Make a Mom—they offer reliable kits. Lastly, Facts About Fertility is an excellent resource to support you on your journey.
Summary:
Postpartum anxiety can feel overwhelming for new mothers, leading to feelings of inadequacy and fear. It’s crucial to recognize the signs and seek help, as you’re not alone in this experience. Understanding that body chemistry can impact emotions is the first step towards recovery. With support, many mothers find ways to manage their anxiety and thrive in their parenting journey.
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