I’m a single mother. There it is, straightforward and stark. But that simple statement fails to capture the swirling storm of emotions that accompany those words: I am a single mom. It doesn’t reflect the heartache, sacrifices, guilt, shame, bitterness, and loneliness that often cloud my journey. It’s a complex mix of 24/7 responsibilities, uncertainty, and the daily balancing act of life as a solo parent.
Sometimes, it feels like a hidden secret that I shield from others. If you were to browse my social media, you’d likely be none the wiser. Even our pediatrician remains unaware of my son’s father’s absence in our lives. Only my closest friends and family know the truth. Deep down, I still hold onto the hope that one day we might reunite as a family. I find myself in this strange limbo where I want to numb my feelings, yet I can’t let go of the love I have for my child’s father. It’s a perplexing situation to navigate.
I am a well-educated, independent, and vibrant woman. I acknowledge this truth, and I don’t technically need him—I want him. My heart aches for him, and my son bears his smile.
When my relationship fell apart, I relocated to a new town, seeking support from family. It wasn’t my hometown, nor was it a familiar environment. As a work-from-home mom in an unfamiliar place, opportunities for adult interaction were scarce. So, I did something I never thought I would: I joined a local mothers’ group. Being introverted, my first meeting felt like the merging of a blind date and the first day of school, where everyone else seems to know each other. I even texted my best friend to share my outfit choice.
Then came my moment of truth. When asked if I had family nearby, I hesitated. Instead of admitting that I had moved to support my family after a breakup, I awkwardly stated I wasn’t married but was living with my boyfriend. It was a blatant lie, and I could tell the other moms didn’t buy it. I just couldn’t bring myself to say, “Hello, I’m feeling broken right now. I’m a single mom.”
I know I should be proud of my accomplishments. I should take pride in knowing every page of my son’s favorite books because I read them to him repeatedly. I should feel accomplished for responding to each of his sounds and knowing exactly what they mean. I should celebrate the sweet moments, like when he pulls my face close for a kiss. I should feel proud of those late nights spent soothing him through teething and insomnia. I should cherish every joyful moment, as well as the challenging ones. I am there for him.
One day, I believe I will no longer feel a pang of sadness when I see traditional families enjoying time at the park. I will reach a point where I won’t feel like something is missing from my son’s life. There will come a time when I won’t feel like an outsider in the motherhood community. Eventually, the guilt I carry will dissipate, and I will stop questioning what I could have done differently. Peace will find its way back to me. I am making progress.
This experience has shaped me into a better person. My son is fortunate to grow up in an environment free of hostility and conflict. Every time I look into his bright, curious eyes, I draw strength from his innocence. It’s been nearly a year since my life shifted, and while it’s becoming easier, I know it’s still a journey, likely one that will never be entirely easy. I am a single mom, and one day, I’ll find the courage to share my story with the world.
If you’re on a similar journey, you might find valuable insights in our post about navigating new beginnings in parenting here. And for those exploring fertility options, Make a Mom offers a range of at-home insemination supplies to support your journey. Additionally, you can access a wealth of information on pregnancy and home insemination here.
In summary, being a single mother comes with its unique challenges and emotional complexities, but it also offers the chance to grow and thrive. Despite the hurdles, I hold onto the hope that one day, I will embrace my reality and share it openly.
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