Throughout my 15 years of parenting, the one piece of unsolicited advice I’ve encountered time and again is to “just wait.” Friends with teens would often spot me enjoying quality moments with my little ones and caution, “They’re so sweet now, just wait.” Most of these warnings revolved around the dreaded adolescent behaviors we’ve all heard about. “Just you wait until they…” start talking back… hide their report cards… lie… slam doors… call you the worst parent ever. I hated the thought of my children morphing into rebellious teenagers, but having been there myself (and hearing tales of my husband’s teenage escapades), I reluctantly accepted that this was a rite of passage.
As my kids matured, yet exhibited none of the expected behaviors, the warnings grew louder. The most vocal parents were those grappling with disconnected, rebellious, or troubled teens. They would proclaim from the rooftops that my well-behaved kids would inevitably follow a similar path: “Just wait until they are in middle school and they…” sneak out… get suspended… experiment with drugs… get arrested… insist on wearing inappropriate clothing… engage in risky behaviors… WHAT. THE. HECK!?
Part of me understood that these parents might have hoped to normalize their children’s mistakes by projecting their experiences onto mine. But primarily, I felt a wave of sympathy for their kids. How could impressionable teens make positive choices if their parents anticipated failure? What self-esteem could they possibly have knowing their parents shared their failures as cautionary tales on social media?
I refused to accept the notion that a single birthday would transform my child into a nightmare. I grew weary of being told to prepare for the worst based on a limited sample of kids shaped by their own individual circumstances. Our families are not carbon copies of one another.
Fast forward: My children are now teenagers, and they haven’t morphed into the stereotypical rebellious figures everyone warned me about. I’m done feeling like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, nor should I feel that if it doesn’t, there’s something wrong with my child. I’ve lost count of the times I’ve heard parents say, “I’d rather my kid be the bully than the socially awkward nerd.” Those aren’t even opposites.
It’s high time we stop perpetuating the stereotype that teenagers must be angst-ridden and uncommunicative. As parents, we are often holding our breath for the inevitable “bad days,” but we might also be instilling these beliefs in our children. Teens should not feel strange about having a solid relationship with their parents. And we, as parents, shouldn’t feel odd about fostering a healthy bond with our teens. Who else are they supposed to lean on if not us?
Stop telling me that I should abandon the idea of being both my daughter’s friend and mother. These roles are not mutually exclusive. It is entirely possible to cherish my children’s company, and the feeling can be mutual.
I no longer live in anticipation of the worst. I choose to be kind, open, and honest with my teens, and they have responded positively. I show them respect, offer sound advice, alert them to mistakes before they happen, and teach them about consequences. I genuinely laugh at their jokes and engage with their sometimes convoluted stories about friends, school, and their favorite YouTubers. I keep their secrets and inspire their aspirations.
Since birth, they have been my closest companions, and regardless of the challenges that may lie ahead, I am confident we will remain friends for life. Just you wait!
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Summary:
Parenting doesn’t have to be a dread-filled journey. By fostering open communication and strong relationships with our teens, we can break the cycle of negativity and embrace the joys of this stage in life.
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