We’ve all heard about the so-called “pandemic wall.” There are memes, countless articles, and plenty of discussions with friends and therapists. The idea is simple: we reach a breaking point where we can’t push forward any longer. Progress halts, and we start to crumble.
As writer Sam Richards noted in a recent blog post, “The pandemic wall can hit anyone at different times, but many have felt its impact sharply in recent weeks.” The year 2020 is widely seen as a disaster, and while we hoped for a fresh start in January, the first month felt more like an extension of the last.
Personally, I’ve run into the “pandemic wall” more times than I can count over the past year. After a while, it transforms from a mere obstacle into something deeper and more unsettling. For me, this wall has morphed into a full-blown pandemic existential crisis.
Once 2021 rolled around, it hit me: “Oh, we’re still in this.” I began to wonder, how much longer can I endure this? I’ve started referring to this time as “the lost years.” At some point, it shifts from a “just keep pushing through” mentality to a more profound reflection on identity and purpose. Unlike the wall you might hit during a marathon or a demanding job, there’s no defined end in sight. We’ve been promised a “light at the end of the tunnel” so many times that it often feels like a mirage – if it was ever there at all.
Most days, I feel… okay? I get through my workday, tidy up after meals (my partner usually handles cooking), do laundry, text a friend, and remind my kids to finish their homework. I’m generally an optimistic person. But then, the absurdity of our reality hits me, and suddenly I’m organizing the pantry at 10 PM on a Friday or contemplating a move to Portugal. I might even find myself crying in the car on a Tuesday afternoon (though that’s not entirely out of character).
As Richards advises, those approaching their pandemic wall might turn to strategies similar to what runners use: distract yourself, engage in positive self-talk, seek help, indulge in comfort food, and when all else fails, put one foot in front of the other. However, this advice is only effective if you’re still moving. At some point, the situation has changed so dramatically that we’re not just running anymore; we’re barely crawling or contemplating a steep cliff. Sometimes, the best course of action isn’t to keep moving forward, but to pause, reassess, and pivot.
That’s where I find myself. Should I continue on this path, or make a radical shift? Is this truly what life looks like now, indefinitely? Masks, endless Zoom calls, and weeks spent at home—what is happening? We’re caught in the “everything’s fine” charade while internally screaming that THIS IS NOT FINE.
I’m struggling, and if you’re being honest, you might be too. It’s okay to acknowledge that. I recognize my privilege in being able to even voice these frustrations, especially when I miss dining out, traveling, or socializing with friends. I’m fortunate to have a job, good health, and a safe home. Still, I’m also utterly confused, exhausted, and grappling with a pandemic existential crisis. I have no solutions to offer, just a reminder that you’re not alone. There’s no right or wrong way to feel right now. And let’s be honest—sometimes swearing is just a damn good coping mechanism until we find our footing again.
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Summary:
The pandemic has led many to confront not just a figurative wall but an existential crisis, with feelings of confusion and exhaustion prevalent. While some days feel manageable, the overwhelming reality can lead to moments of deep reflection and uncertainty about the future. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings, embrace one’s privilege, and understand that everyone is navigating these challenges in their own way.