For a week, my son had us stuck on the KidsBop version of Katy Perry’s “Roar.” I found myself singing along, “You held me down, but I got up…” and suddenly it clicked: this is my anthem. He held me down (and I couldn’t get up). But then I did – I rose. I went from nothing to becoming my own hero.
I chose to end my marriage for countless reasons. He failed to keep his promises, made significant parenting errors, and ultimately made my life more difficult. We dragged each other down during tough times rather than lifting one another up. Our intimacy was nonexistent, and we simply weren’t a good team. It felt like we had drifted apart.
However, once I stopped holding back and he was no longer in my life, I began to fully comprehend the darkness that had enveloped my past. Our intimacy wasn’t merely lacking; my husband had been assaulting me for years.
I can only say “I think” because while the painful memories are vivid, I can’t pinpoint the exact moments or the number of times it occurred. But I know it did. I would wake up to find him on top of me, inside me. Disoriented from sleep, I would plead “no,” “stop,” and “I don’t want this,” but he would persist. I often tried to push his 215 pounds off me; sometimes I succeeded, snapping him back to reality, but often, I could not.
I would protest verbally and physically, yet his weight would overpower mine. Sometimes I would just give up, lying still and hoping he would finish quickly. In the morning, I would confront him, saying, “You can’t do that to me. It’s not okay. You have to stop.” He would respond, “I know. I’m sorry. I don’t know what happened. I must have been asleep or something. I’m so sorry.” And then it would stop… for a while. But eventually, it would happen again.
Until one night, when I reached my breaking point.
When I woke up to him again, I yelled, “NO!” I fought with all my might, twisting out from under him and elbowing him in the chest.
“OWWWW!!!!” he shouted. “What the FUCK was that?!? What’s wrong with you?”
I calmly replied, “That is how serious I am when I say NO! You CAN’T do this to me ANYMORE. IT IS NOT OKAY. I’ve been telling you this for a long time. This has to STOP.”
And it never happened again. He never again “accidentally” initiated sex with me while I slept. It was not an accident; it was assault. Marital assault is still assault. I said, “No!” I said, “Stop!” I fought back, and even if I didn’t always succeed, I asserted my boundaries.
The night I broke the cycle of abuse occurred at least a year and a half before I told him I wanted a divorce and two and a half years before I could label his actions as assault.
But I can’t confront him now. I can’t throw the word “assault” at him and force him to acknowledge the horror of what he did to me. Everything I’ve done since halting those midnight assaults has been to protect our son. Confronting him now could upset the fragile co-parenting balance we’ve established.
Having grown up without a father, I want my son to know his dad, regardless of his flaws. I want him to form his own opinions and build his own relationship. I keep choosing the high road, allowing my son to have both parents in his life.
Yet, this path carries its own price. My ex could potentially hurt someone else. In my effort to shield my son, I might inadvertently leave the door open for more abuse. My plan is imperfect: I intend to share my story with him when he becomes seriously involved with someone new. I want him to understand he assaulted me, hoping this acknowledgment compels him to confront the gravity of his actions. If I ever hear of him abusing someone else, I will ROAR, loud and clear.
For now, my “roar” is living my best life, raising a son who embodies empathy and respect for others, who is loving and kind, and who understands the importance of consent. That’s my way of dismantling the patriarchy.
You hear my voice? You hear that sound? Like thunder, gonna shake the ground.
This article was originally published on Oct. 28, 2018. For more insight, check out this excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination at Womens Health. If you’re interested in home insemination, Make A Mom has valuable information on that topic as well. And don’t forget to read our privacy policy here for more details.
Summary:
This article reflects on the journey of a woman who faced marital assault and the complexities of navigating her past while raising her son. It emphasizes the importance of consent, the challenges of co-parenting, and finding strength in adversity.