It was just my 18-year-old daughter and I, lounging on the couch and watching some mind-numbing television, when I suddenly asked a question that had been on my mind. With her about to leave for college, I felt an urge for some acknowledgment of my parenting over the past 18 years. Although I knew the question was loaded and her response might be dripping with sarcasm, I decided to go for it anyway.
Taking her hand and looking her directly in the eyes, I asked, “Did you have a happy childhood?”
“What? Mom, are you serious? What kind of question is that?” she replied, a grin spreading across her face.
“I just need to know,” I insisted.
“Seriously, don’t even think about it. Of course I had a happy childhood. It was amazing! This is such a dumb question. Why now? Why do you doubt yourself so much?” she shot back.
She had a point. Why was I asking at this moment, and why was I filled with self-doubt? The truth was, I felt she was finally mature enough for an honest answer. You can’t exactly ask a toddler, “How’s Mommy doing?” A tween would roll their eyes and walk away, and a teenager would probably grunt and dismiss you. But a young adult about to embark on their own journey? Thankfully, they often have the honesty to tell it like it is.
For the first time, I believed her. Yet, I was taken aback that she thought I had no reason to doubt myself. After all, she had lived in our home for 18 years, witnessing my countless meltdowns and moments of despair. She had seen me cry and utter, “I can’t do this anymore.” As the eldest, she bore witness to my struggles with patience, especially with her younger siblings. She heard her father and I argue about parenting decisions, school choices, and everything in between. And she observed my late-night pacing fueled by anxiety.
Being our first child, she was the test subject of our parenting style — every choice we made was uncharted territory. Yet here she was, a smart, witty, and well-adjusted young woman, telling me I had done well as a mother when I often felt like I was failing.
“Mom?” she said, “Did you hear my answer? You did great!”
I didn’t dive into my reasons for self-doubt or why I felt the need to ask her that question. Instead, I let her words wash over me, dissolving years of uncertainty and replacing them with “You did good, Mom.”
That moment? The one where you finally feel recognized and valued? It’s coming, I promise. But don’t wait 18 years to embrace it. Although your children may not vocalize their appreciation, look at the wonderful individuals they are becoming and trust that you are doing a fantastic job, because you truly are.
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In summary, the journey of parenting is filled with doubts and uncertainties, but eventually, there comes a day when your children recognize and appreciate your efforts. Trust in the positive impact you’ve made in their lives, even if it takes time for them to express it.