“I believe parents of adopted children approach things differently.” Statements like this make me want to scream. I’m a mother to one daughter through adoption and another by birth, in that order. While I treat them uniquely based on their individual personalities, ages, or needs, I never parent them differently simply because one is adopted and the other is not.
Are these armchair experts suggesting that adoptive parents are overly indulgent with kids we longed to welcome into our lives? Or do they imply that we might be tougher on our adopted children because we don’t love them as deeply? It’s unfair to generalize an entire group of parents who face their own challenges and joys in parenthood. However, I will concede that adopting my first child has indeed shaped the way I parent both of my daughters.
Here are four key ways my approach to parenting has evolved since we adopted:
- Embracing Available Resources Without Hesitation
I have learned to seek out and accept all forms of support. We’ve requested evaluations for various therapies without a second thought. For instance, our older daughter, who spent her early years in a non-English-speaking country, qualifies for English Language Learner (ELL) services at her school. Although I acknowledge that our situation isn’t typical, I’m grateful for any additional resources that can help her thrive. Unlike some parents who might feel a sense of pride in their child’s abilities, I fully recognize that it’s my responsibility to explore every option to help my daughter reach her fullest potential. - Acknowledging My Limited Knowledge
I don’t presume to know everything about my child or the reasons behind her feelings and behaviors. There’s a history that I cannot change, which includes experiences I may never fully understand. This awareness extends even to my biological daughter, as there are aspects of her personality that remain a mystery. Reading about the lasting impacts of trauma and hearing from adult adoptees has been invaluable in broadening my understanding. This knowledge encourages me to ask more questions and extend grace to both my children. - Recognizing the Effort Required for Attachment
From the start of our adoption journey, we were given guidance on fostering attachment, highlighting that our child had experienced broken trust with her birth parents. While most birth parents may not think about attachment issues, it is essential to realize it requires ongoing effort to build and maintain. This applies to all parents, regardless of how their children entered the family. We must actively nurture our relationships and repair any breaches in trust to strengthen the bond with our children. - Discussing Diversity and Family Formation
Parents with children by birth might not feel the need to talk about adoption or family diversity, but I believe these conversations are crucial. Families come together in various ways, and it’s vital to prepare our children to understand and respect different backgrounds. I want my daughters to appreciate the rich tapestry of family dynamics and identity, so they can confidently engage with others and stand up against prejudice.
In conclusion, adoption has reshaped my parenting in meaningful ways, fostering a deeper understanding of the complexities of family, attachment, and the importance of resources. To learn more about home insemination and parenting, check out this excellent resource from Healthline and visit Make a Mom for insights on the subject. For more engaging content on parenting, feel free to explore this other blog post.