My baby boy jolts awake from a less-than-ideal nap in his stroller and immediately begins to wail. A wave of panic and embarrassment washes over me as I realize I’ve just settled onto a floor cushion at the parent and baby drop-in. I awkwardly rise, still feeling like a stranger in my own body, and rush to my son.
My attempts to calm him fail miserably. He rejects the pacifier, shows no interest in his rattle, and I’ve just nursed him too recently to offer anything. I feel the heat rising in my cheeks as I reluctantly decide to leave the group, even though I had just arrived. A few other mothers glance my way, their faces reflecting a mix of sympathy and pity, while their babies coo and play or sleep snugly in slings.
I longed for that social connection today. I craved the support that comes from sharing this experience with others. I wanted to feel like my old self again—lighthearted, joking, and smiling. Instead, I’m overwhelmed by anxiety, confusion, exhaustion, and resentment toward my baby for interrupting my much-needed social time.
As I make my way toward home, my son still crying, I feel helpless and like I am failing as a mother. I realize that perhaps my anger is really directed at myself. I chose this path; I wasn’t an accidental parent. I wanted to be a mom—at least, that’s what I thought.
Once home, I head straight to our bed, hoping a side-lying nursing session will help him sleep. He latches on for a few moments while I lie there silently. But when he finishes—never enough milk—I lose it.
“Why won’t you sleep?!” I shout in frustration.
In a moment of sheer rage, I grab a pillow and press it against him, crying out, “Shut up!” Instantly, I pull it away, tears streaming down my face as we both cry.
Reflecting on that moment, it’s clear to me now that I needed more support, whether in the form of childcare or assistance boosting my milk supply. More importantly, I needed to practice patience and compassion toward myself. I continued to struggle and suffer, but I eventually made it through those dark days.
What I truly needed was to accept the transformation that comes with motherhood. Embracing the new version of myself amidst the confusion, anxiety, and the obvious changes in my body would have helped alleviate my postpartum depression.
As women, we are biologically driven to nurture, and the mother archetype runs deep within us. When we give birth, we undergo a profound change—both psychologically and physically. Resisting this change is akin to battling a force of nature, an unwinnable fight.
In today’s society, women have the privilege of pursuing diverse paths—independence, careers, creativity, and adventure. However, this newfound freedom can make the transition into motherhood feel more daunting. Many women, like myself, don’t wish to lose their identities. The birth of a child often signifies the end of one’s former self.
As we celebrate the joys of motherhood, we also mourn the loss of our previous lives. Amidst the chaos of sleepless nights and the demands of a tiny human, a new identity emerges. You may not recognize yourself at first, but slowly, you will learn to embrace the new you.
As time passes and your baby grows, aspects of your former self will be reintegrated, creating a richer and more dynamic identity. The key is to find balance between the nurturing mother and the adventurous spirit within you.
In countries like Canada and the UK, mothers receive extensive maternity leave—37 and 52 weeks, respectively—while in the U.S., it’s a mere 12 weeks. It’s no wonder postpartum depression is so prevalent; we are expected to return to our previous lives and “get our bodies back” as if nothing has changed. This lack of support only exacerbates the struggles mothers face during this transition.
New mothers require ample time to adjust to their roles, yet societal expectations often fail to acknowledge this. It’s crucial to be kind and patient with ourselves during this significant life change.
My advice to new mothers is to focus on getting through each day. Seek help when needed and accept that you will never be the same. For the first few months, prioritize basic needs: keep yourself and your baby fed, and don’t stress about anything else. You can do this!
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Summary
New motherhood is a challenging transition that can lead to feelings of postpartum depression, but it’s essential to remember that this struggle is not your fault. Embracing the changes that come with becoming a mother can help ease the burden. Focus on the basics, ask for help, and allow yourself to adapt to this new identity. With time and support, you will find balance and rediscover aspects of yourself while nurturing your baby.