I find myself feeling as though my marriage is irreparably broken; not the type of situation that can be mended with a simple date night or a getaway. At this juncture, suggesting such things feels akin to tossing a few Band-Aids at shattered bones.
I refuse to mask the deep-seated issues with ointments, hoping they won’t leave scars. We’ve been doing that for far too long. A “break” isn’t sufficient this time around.
I suspect that much of the blame lies with me. My emotional foundation is shaky, and I haven’t been steady for quite a while now. Perhaps I’ve leaned on him too heavily.
Lately, my old friend Anxiety has been visiting us more frequently and seems most at home nestled between us. And I must admit, I’m not the most organized spouse; he often walks into our home right after a whirlwind has left it in disarray. Oh, the laundry is stacked high and you’re out of clean boxer shorts? Sorry, I was busy ensuring our son didn’t choke or hurt himself. You’re welcome.
We are both utterly exhausted—truly drained—and stressed by the beautiful life we’ve built together. There’s hardly any time to savor it at present, leaving us to resent one another and argue over trivial matters. Some might say children bring parents closer together. Perhaps that holds true in the delivery room or possibly in the nursing home, but beyond that? I call nonsense.
Our approaches to parenting are completely at odds. Apparently, I’ve taken on the role of the disciplinarian. When I say no, it means no. When he says maybe, it effectively means yes. I often feel like the villain, especially with our teenager and four-year-old, while he seems oblivious to why that frustrates me. After spending a day with a toddler, I’m practically at the door when he arrives home, ready to escape. Dinner? That’s a joke.
I don’t know why I expected this to be easier. It feels as though we are the only ones grappling with our seemingly perfect life because no one discusses these struggles. “Do you ever dislike your spouse?” is a question I wouldn’t dare to ask, fearing the response would be, “How could I? Our life is flawless.” Thank you, June and Ward Cleaver, for making it all appear so effortless. There’s nothing easy about this.
Today, I miss my marriage. I long for my best friend and the unwavering “Us” we once were before these wonderful blessings turned our lives upside down. We made each other stronger; we were a true team. There was nothing we couldn’t achieve together. Remember?
If you found this post relatable, be sure to check out our other blog posts, such as one on intracervical insemination, where we share insights on this important journey. Also, for authoritative guidance, visit Make A Mom which provides valuable resources for couples navigating their fertility journey. For a broader understanding of pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical is an excellent resource.
In summary, the challenges of marriage can feel overwhelming, especially amid the chaos of parenting and life’s demands. It’s essential to recognize these feelings and seek support, whether through open communication with your partner or external resources.