My husband and I had a brief courtship. Though we had known each other for years, having grown up in the same town, our romance progressed swiftly when we began dating in our mid-twenties. Within six months, we were engaged; a year later, we tied the knot and moved into a cozy apartment in Brooklyn. Before two years had passed, we were expecting our first child, and that marked the end of our “us” time. The details of that period are now a blur.
Our second child arrived while the first was still in diapers, plunging us further into a whirlwind of sleepless nights and endless responsibilities. We found ourselves balancing work, children, and bills with little time for each other. My husband managed to secure one day off each week, which he cleverly timed to help with childcare, allowing me to take on one more client. I would wake up at 4:00 a.m. to respond to emails and draft proposals before ushering the kids off to school. Meanwhile, I watched him exhaust himself studying late at night for classes he attended after work.
We often reassured ourselves that our sacrifices would eventually pay off, granting us more flexibility and family time in the future. Our children’s well-being was our priority; we wanted to ensure they had a solid education, ample opportunities, and a carefree childhood filled with laughter and games.
But as the kids slept, our frustrations would surface, leading to arguments. It was inevitable to feel overwhelmed when every little annoyance felt like the final straw. While we seldom voiced it, an unspoken truth lingered: we were together for the kids.
I often remembered how my parents prioritized their relationship, yet that concept felt foreign to me as a parent. After confiding in a dear friend about my sentiments, she shared that she sometimes wrestled with similar feelings, yet emphasized, “My husband is the only one I chose.” This idea resonated with me, leading me to ponder my own connection with my husband. Was he truly less a part of my family than our children? What would it be like to love a partner in such a profound way?
Eventually, I summoned the courage to voice my feelings. “I love you as much as the kids.” Initially, he brushed it off. “Thanks, but I’m not as important as the kids.” Taking a deep breath, I pressed on. “You are to me.” After a long silence, I saw the emotion welling up in his eyes, though he remained quiet.
In that moment, I feared he might not reciprocate my feelings. “Do you love me as much as the kids, too?” I asked, bracing myself to explain that I understood our current struggles. But before I could continue, he finally spoke: “I love you as much as the kids, plus everything else.” The floodgates of emotion opened.
I wouldn’t claim that this conversation solved all our issues, but it did prompt us to focus more on our relationship — perhaps one day we’d devote as much energy to “us” as we do to our children. It became evident how feeling secondary to our chaotic lives had impacted us deeply. Acknowledging this was a crucial first step towards rediscovering the love we had intentionally chosen.
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Summary:
This article explores the complexities of love and partnership amid the challenges of parenthood. The author reflects on a conversation with her husband that uncovers the importance of prioritizing their relationship while navigating the demands of raising children.