As a stay-at-home mom, my two-year-old daughter is my entire world. We spend every day together, and while she’s gradually overcoming her separation anxiety, there are moments when I have to gently detach her from my legs to leave her in the care of her father or a babysitter. Typically, within minutes of my departure, she’s fine; however, the last image I have of her is often one of her on the floor, crying out “Mama.”
People affectionately call her a “Mama’s girl,” and I nod in agreement as she buries her face in my chest for comfort. Yet, amidst this affectionate bond, I find myself filled with worries. I’m concerned that as she grows, we may drift apart. I fear a future where she may not trust me, or worse, where I might inadvertently manipulate her emotions. I dread the thought that she might hesitate to share her life with me, both the joyful moments and the challenging ones. I want to be the person she turns to for support, the one she celebrates with during good times, and the companion she enjoys everyday moments with.
These anxieties stem from my own relationship with my mother. Unlike many adult daughters who share close friendships with their moms, I find myself envious of those connections. I’ve had to mourn the absence of that relationship with my mother, a process that continues to evolve. I never had the opportunity to know my maternal grandmother, who passed away two years before I was born. My mother has often said that I remind her of her mother, which leads me to believe their relationship was similarly complicated.
As a child, I would daydream about how life might have been different if my grandmother had lived. I envisioned her as a guiding light, someone I could lean on during turbulent times at home. In honor of that connection, I’ve named my daughter after my grandmother. Presently, she is very much a “Mama’s girl,” and while I worry that this may not always be the case, I hold on to the hope that I can be the mother for her that my own mother was not for me.
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In summary, my journey as a mother is filled with both joy and concern. I strive to cultivate a strong bond with my daughter, hoping to provide her with the emotional support and trust that I lacked growing up.