In 2015, I discovered I was pregnant with twins. My partner and I were elated after a long journey through infertility. But soon after sharing our news, we were met with a flood of comments. “Twins?! How will you manage?” and “Glad that’s not me!” I thought I’d heard it all until tragedy struck and two of our babies didn’t make it.
On March 15, 2015, I gave birth to my twins, but they were born too soon. My daughter, Lily, passed away that day, and my son, Noah, fought for a few weeks before he too was gone. Grieving for a child is something I never thought I’d experience, and the words people say during this time can be surprisingly painful, even when they mean well. After two years of navigating this heartache, I’ve compiled a list of things that are best left unsaid to grieving parents:
- “Everything happens for a reason.”
This saying can feel incredibly insensitive. Life doesn’t always come with clear explanations, especially regarding the loss of a child. I often think of my conversation with a wise mentor who told me, “It’s not that God gives us only what we can bear; He helps us bear what we’ve been given.” - “They are in a better place.”
While this might be intended to offer solace, it can feel dismissive. As a parent, I wanted nothing more than to hold my children in my arms. No platitude can replace that deep yearning. - “At least you have one surviving child. Count your blessings.”
While I am grateful for my wonderful daughter, saying this feels like minimizing the profound loss of my twins. It’s not about counting blessings; it’s about mourning the children who should be here with us. - “You’re still young; you can have more children.”
For many, the journey to parenthood can be fraught with challenges. Telling someone to simply try again can overlook the trauma they’ve already endured. The thought of facing that pain again can be too daunting to even consider. - “I don’t know how you cope. I couldn’t bear to lose two children.”
Some days, I wonder how I cope too. Grieving is a process, and we learn to adapt to our “new normal.” Such remarks can remind us of the heavy weight of our loss.
So, what can you say to a grieving parent? While there may be no perfect words to ease their pain, simply being present and acknowledging their loss is invaluable. Share the names of their children, ask questions about them, and let them know their memories matter. Remembering Lily and Noah brings warmth to my heart and helps keep their spirits alive.
For more related insights, you can check out our other blog posts on our site here. If you’re looking for guidance on the fertility journey, Make A Mom offers great resources. Additionally, Johns Hopkins Medicine is an excellent place to explore options for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, while navigating grief, it’s crucial to approach grieving parents with empathy and understanding. Avoiding common, albeit well-meaning, phrases can help create a more supportive environment for healing.