I manage a tutoring center at a local university, and recently, I was discussing relationship goals with one of my student employees, a young athlete from a well-off background. Somehow, our conversation turned to his ideal partner, and his list of criteria sounded almost mythical—like he was searching for a unicorn.
He kicked off with physical attributes, which is common for many guys in their early twenties. He envisioned a woman of average height, with the perfect hair color and figure, someone who was both attractive and fit. He wanted her to be intelligent, humorous, and supportive, with a love for sports and video games. She had to be nurturing, yet adventurous, with a keen interest in fashion but without any airs. His list went on for a while, clearly indicating that he had given this a lot of thought.
When he finally finished outlining his dream woman, I posed a question that seemed to catch him off guard: “What happens when she changes after you marry her?”
He blinked, unsure how to respond.
“What will you do if she starts prioritizing the kids over athletics? What if she decides to pursue a completely different career path? What if her body changes after having children, or she starts dressing more casually because of a busy schedule? Will you still love her?”
A long silence followed.
Reflecting on my own 13-year marriage to Sarah, I realized that I, too, had once held high expectations. When we first met, I thought she fit my ideal perfectly. But over the years, both of us have changed. I’ve gained weight, shifted careers multiple times, and developed new habits. I snore now, I sometimes forget to close the bathroom door, and I’m losing my hair. My wardrobe has shifted to work polos and cargo shorts.
Sarah has transformed as well; she became a vegetarian, went back to school unexpectedly, and some days, she doesn’t have time for a shower because of the kids. Her once-brown hair now sports gray streaks.
Despite these changes, we still love each other deeply, though we do have our moments of irritation. I remember the time I discreetly wiped a booger under the seat of her new van—almost a deal-breaker! And then there was the speeding ticket she kept from me for over a year.
None of these changes have derailed our marriage. We don’t face issues like substance abuse or infidelity; we simply navigate the reality that we’re not perfect. Accepting each other’s flaws has been crucial. Marriage requires a degree of settling—recognizing that the ideal partner we envisioned might not exist in the long run, and that’s completely okay.
After a moment of contemplation, I commended my student for his high standards, reminding him that while it’s great to know what you want, it’s more important to find someone you can grow with. I shared my own experience, realizing that neither of us anticipated the transformations we would go through. As we evolve, our love deepens because we choose to embrace each other’s changing selves.
I hoped this perspective resonated with him. In truth, anyone who has been married for a few years understands that perfection is fleeting. Accepting your partner’s imperfections and hoping they accept yours is key to a successful long-term relationship. When you both navigate these changes together, life becomes richer and more fulfilling.
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In summary, marriage is about growth and acceptance. As partners evolve, so does the love that binds them.