One of my closest friends is about to welcome her first child into the world. She’s a fiercely independent woman who has explored countless countries, earned a degree abroad, and works at one of the top ten universities in the United States. She’s easily among the funniest and smartest people I know, and honestly, my kids might just choose her over me! That’s the kind of bond we share. She’s due in January, and I have so much I want to share with her.
There’s a lot I wish for her to understand, especially that it’s perfectly okay to feel overwhelmed. But what exactly should she “expect”? I couldn’t possibly define that for her. Expect chaos, expect strange moments, expect beauty, expect hardships. The specifics? Those are hers to discover and shape.
Recently, we were texting, and she was sharing the whirlwind of emotions swirling within her—excitement, fear, sadness, love. As I typed back, I felt a wave of sorrow and anger rise within me. This is what I wrote: “Even after you hold your baby for the first time, those feelings will come in waves. You might yearn for your old life back, but not really. It’s a tough transition that often goes unnoticed. Please talk to me and share whatever dark thoughts you’re grappling with.”
The sadness stemmed from the fear that she might feel isolated, that no one would discuss these feelings with her. The anger came from the same place—this fear of loneliness.
Let’s Be Real
I’m fed up with the way we gloss over the struggles of new moms. We sit across from them, 2, 10, or even 30 days postpartum, cooing over their beautiful babies, discussing strollers, outfits, or whatever trivial topics we can conjure to avoid addressing the raw truth.
We fill the air with small talk about the baby. The baby is fine; we can all see that. But let’s shift our focus. Look at the woman sitting in front of you. Witness the transformation she’s undergone. She is now a mother, and she may be grappling with feelings she can’t articulate yet. Ask her how she’s really doing. If you haven’t walked in her shoes, listen and offer your support.
Maybe she’s not feeling overwhelmed, and that’s great. But if she is, she needs to hear that it’s okay—that she’s not alone, and welcome to the club of motherhood.
My Own Journey
I’ve been there. I’ve wrestled with regret over having kids. I’ve fantasized about escaping. I’ve had moments of thinking, “I hate motherhood.” I’ve even questioned who I am.
When my first child was about a year old, I saw my brother starting his journey in medical school. I felt an ache deep in my bones. I wept while holding my baby, feeling the weight of what I thought I had lost. I was 22 and felt stuck. I had dreams, aspirations, but all I was doing was nursing, driving, and trying to find a moment for myself. I scribbled thoughts in journals and on napkins, craving a moment of solitude that never came.
I shared my feelings with my husband, who didn’t understand. He looked at me blankly and returned to work. I tried to adjust, to cope, but I couldn’t open up to anyone. Who would understand these conflicting emotions? I loved my child, but how could I explain the darkness lurking within?
I felt like I was alone, drowning in guilt and despair. I watched other mothers smile and talk about baby clothes, sleep schedules, and future plans, while I was left with my hidden struggles. They would leave, and I would feel worse, sinking deeper into my feelings of isolation.
Breaking the Silence
I’m done with this silence. I want us to talk about the hard truths—the moments when we felt we couldn’t continue. Share the secrets you hide. Reach out to that woman, that friend who is navigating this storm.
With a trembling voice, I would have opened up to you. I would have shared my shadows, and perhaps we would have uncovered the light waiting just around the corner. Trust me, it’s there.
If you’re looking for more insights into navigating motherhood and the emotions that come with it, check out this resource on pregnancy and home insemination. And for those interested in boosting fertility, this site offers reliable at-home insemination kits. To dive deeper into the complexities of new motherhood, you can read more in our other blog post.
Summary
Motherhood is a complex journey filled with a whirlwind of emotions. It’s crucial to acknowledge the struggles that new moms face, as many experience feelings of isolation, guilt, and darkness. Open conversations about these challenges can foster support and understanding. Remember, you’re not alone on this journey.
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