Sometimes, I find myself trapped in a cycle of self-pity, plagued by the question of “Why me?” Why did my marriage collapse? Statistically, it seemed like a solid foundation. We spent three years dating before getting engaged, and I waited until I was 27 to tie the knot. I became a mother at 31, and we both had stable careers and college degrees. All these indicators suggested that we should have defied the odds. But that’s not what happened.
They say the divorce rate is around 50 percent, but my social circle tells a different story. I have only one friend who has also gone through a divorce. It can feel quite isolating navigating the world of upper-middle-class divorce.
Sure, my marriage ended. Life happens. Yet, I find myself spiraling into the “why-me’s” surrounding my angry and vengeful ex-husband. I hear tales of ex-partners who prioritize their children’s well-being, who help with errands and attend family events. Why doesn’t my ex even acknowledge my presence? Why is he intent on making this process as painful as possible for me? Why did he drag me to court, forcing me to spend my savings just to secure basic support?
Yes, why me?
This train of thought leads to a heavy burden of self-blame. I’ve never been one to play the victim. What mistakes did I make? Where did I go wrong? What’s wrong with me?
The truth is, we all have flaws; it’s part of being human. We make countless mistakes every day. There’s no magic pill to erase your humanity. I’ve tried everything, from medication to meditation, but nothing could alleviate the pain.
Eventually, I realized that I needed to embrace radical self-love, self-forgiveness, and self-acceptance. They say that to receive love, you must first give it away freely. So, when I feel overwhelmed by the “why-me’s,” I consciously shift my focus to forgiving my ex. Odd, isn’t it? But I need that forgiveness, so I offer it.
And it’s not just him. I reflect on all the relationships I lost during my divorce. Friends who barely know the full story but still cast judgment; long-time friends whose beliefs led them to distance themselves from me; neighbors who chose sides. I try to forgive them too; they are just as human as I am, making their own mistakes.
The lessons gleaned from this experience have been transformative. I am a better person today than I ever was while married. I’ve become more patient, kinder, calmer, and stronger. When I focus on these positive changes, I start to think, why not me? I deserve this newfound strength and the richness that comes with shedding the emotional armor I wore to survive my marriage. If my ex is not willing to be my ally, I’m fortunate to have him away from my everyday life.
This shift in perspective is radical, and it requires daily practice. Each time those “why-me” thoughts creep in, I consciously replace them with “why NOT me?” I remind myself of all the blessings in my life. I truly feel alive, deserving of happiness, and worthy of love. I have emerged from the fire, shedding old baggage, but only if I actively choose to shift my viewpoint.
And so does he. And so do we all.
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In summary, shifting from “why me?” to “why not me?” can be a powerful transformation. Embracing self-love and forgiveness not only heals but also empowers us to live fully and authentically.
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