As a pediatrician and a mother, I often find myself reflecting on the immense expectations we place on our neurotypical children. I witness my youngest son, Max, consistently rise to the occasion, fulfilling roles that are beyond what any child should bear. His capacity to adapt—accepting less than he deserves for the sake of family harmony—reflects a maturity that often weighs heavily on his little shoulders. The glimmer of sadness in his eyes speaks volumes about the burdens he carries, ones I wish I could shield him from.
The journey began when we received my oldest son, Leo’s, diagnosis of autism spectrum disorder when Max was just an infant. However, our hopes and expectations for Max had been set long before that crucial moment.
From the start, Leo has required a great deal of our attention. He needs time, energy, and endless guidance. The patience required to navigate his needs is monumental; some days, it feels like we are constantly taking deep breaths, striving to be the parents he requires. He seeks love—unconditional love—along with a sense of safety and comfort, which takes time to cultivate. Every day, we meticulously align the pieces of our lives to create an environment that meets his needs, often rearranging and starting anew when necessary.
In the process, it’s all too easy to overlook Max’s needs. He, too, deserves love, support, and moments of joy. He lives in a household that isn’t always serene, where he witnesses the tumult of his brother’s emotional expressions—throwing objects, slamming doors, and even moments of physical outbursts. He sees the aftermath: broken items and parents striving for resilience amidst tears. Despite our efforts, he hears the cries—those cries that echo sadness and frustration, sometimes for reasons invisible to us.
In these challenging moments, I hold Max close, trying to provide clarity to a world that often seems chaotic. I speak to him about Leo, framing our discussion around the differences that make each of us unique. I remind Max daily of his brother’s love, urging him to never forget its presence. As I convey these messages to my son, I remind myself of the same truths. It’s crucial to remember that the anger and sadness stemming from autism do not define our precious Leo. Love remains at the core of our family dynamic.
I reassure Max that everything will be alright. I know that in the near future, we will have deeper conversations about Leo’s unique journey. We’ll explore autism together, using honest language and real emotions to foster understanding. Max will have questions—about why Leo gets the special plate, why certain toys must be exchanged, or why we must leave activities abruptly. I will be there to provide the answers he rightly deserves.
The reality is that I often expect too much from Max. I ask him to be patient, courageous, and kind—qualities that are indeed admirable but can be burdensome for a child his age. Each day, I am in awe of his capacity for love. Despite the challenges, he readily gives his affection to Leo, quickly bouncing back after any altercation, often seeking closeness with his brother once more.
Yes, I place considerable expectations on my youngest son, yet he willingly embraces them, showering our family with the purest form of love—a typical child who deeply cares for his brother, autism and all.
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Summary
Parenting a child on the autism spectrum while also nurturing a neurotypical child presents unique challenges and emotional complexities. The journey requires a delicate balance of attention and understanding, ensuring that each child feels loved and supported in their own right. Max exemplifies resilience and love, navigating a world that often demands more than he should have to give.