What I didn’t anticipate when I became a parent was the extent to which my children would mirror both the admirable and less flattering qualities of my husband and me. During moments of frustration, I often find that their behavior amplifies certain traits I’ve struggled with, now neatly categorized after years of introspection and therapy.
On particularly challenging days, I remind myself that while strong-willed children can be tough to raise, they often grow into capable and independent adults. The effort I invest in their development today will yield substantial rewards in the future—ideally, when they are living their own lives rather than in my basement.
The more difficult experiences are often overshadowed by joyous moments—like infectious laughter, heartfelt notes hidden in backpacks, and art projects that express love in the form of clay handprints and lopsided mugs. It’s like a comforting average that helps parents endure the trials of child-rearing while allowing children to mature over time.
In my 7-year-old daughter, I see a blend of resilience and determination. Recently, when a construction block set arrived with over 40 missing pieces, she faced a pivotal moment. Rather than succumbing to frustration and declaring everything ruined, she adapted by using her brother’s spare parts and even reached out to the company for replacements. This made me envision her thriving as a corporate executive, confidently overcoming obstacles. Truly inspiring!
However, this adaptable side also has its downsides. As someone who loves to solve problems and keep harmony, I notice she often prioritizes others’ needs over her own in social settings. She frequently sacrifices her desires to maintain peace, leading to a common phrase echoing in our home: “I’m sorry.”
Just this morning, as we baked muffins, she apologized for a less-than-perfect muffin cup. While making the bed, when a corner slipped off, again, “I’m sorry.” When her brothers created a mess and sensed my frustration, “I’m sorry.” It’s a cycle of apologies that I wish to change.
Let me clarify: I believe in teaching my children to be polite and considerate. Yet, the frequency with which she apologizes for things beyond her control—merely for existing, for occupying space—is a pattern I recognize as distinctly female, one that her brothers and father don’t exhibit. Unfortunately, it’s something she picked up from me.
I first noticed her tendency to over-apologize around age 4 or 5. It was as if “I’m sorry” formed the backbone of her sentences. Despite my attempts to correct her, urging her not to take responsibility for things she hadn’t done, it became clear that she was mirroring my own behaviors. Just this morning, when I asked her to check on the muffins, I instinctively apologized for interrupting her reading.
I’m sorry. Sorry for asking anything of you. Sorry for being a burden. Sorry for having needs. Sorry for simply being present. Sorry for not fixing everything perfectly.
The issue of women being taught to diminish their presence isn’t new. Sheryl Sandberg’s impactful TED Talk and my own studies in women’s issues have highlighted this ongoing challenge. Even at high levels of education, women often face pressure to be agreeable and not disrupt the status quo. Sadly, I’ve contributed to this narrative in my own home, and for that, I feel a deep regret.
The positive side is that I am raising a daughter who seeks peace, addresses challenges head-on, and is willing to take responsibility when necessary. These are admirable qualities, but I must teach her not to accept blame for situations that aren’t her fault. Additionally, she must learn not to apologize for her intelligence, strength, or presence. These attributes don’t warrant an apology—ever.
Every day presents an opportunity to shift this dynamic, starting with me. I must help her distinguish between genuine accountability and unnecessary guilt. It’s time to move away from habitual apologies and towards intentional, meaningful communication. No more “sorry” confetti. Sorry…not sorry.
If you’re interested in more insights on navigating parenthood, consider checking out this related article. For those exploring home insemination, CryoBaby’s at-home insemination kit could be an excellent option. Additionally, for more information about pregnancy, this resource is highly recommended.
Summary:
This article discusses the author’s journey in teaching her daughter about the importance of self-assertion and the dangers of over-apologizing. Recognizing that excessive apologies are often a learned behavior, the author reflects on her own tendencies and aims to empower her daughter to embrace her strengths without feeling the need to minimize her presence.