I’ve always viewed myself as someone with a strong drive—balancing various jobs, freelance gigs, and late-night writing sessions to chase my dreams. Seven years ago, I embraced the journey of motherhood. I’ve managed to publish a few books with smaller presses and contributed hundreds of articles to various outlets. I’ve even been paid to speak at conferences. Not too shabby for someone in their 40s, though the aspirations of being a celebrated novelist or a magazine feature writer remain unrealized.
Last year, I hit the big 4-0, and that’s when the reality of my age hit hard. I realized I was now officially too old for accolades like “Top Writers Under 40” or “Five Under 35.” To make matters worse, I found myself mingling with a group of impressive twenty-somethings through a networking event. These remarkable women seemed to have orchestrated their careers with precision since birth. They were publishing in prestigious outlets I’ve dreamed of since childhood—think The New Yorker and The Paris Review. Some even hold high-ranking positions at major media firms and have contributed to renowned television shows. They boast multiple degrees, personal assistants, and publicists. They’re shaping the future, and it’s apparent they’ll continue to do so for years to come.
In contrast, my decision not to pursue journalism grad school or to relocate to New York in my 20s suddenly felt like a grievous error. I found myself waking up in a panic, pondering, “What’s next?” While I continue to work diligently as a writer, I’m left with a nagging feeling that I’ve missed some vital career milestone.
Am I experiencing a midlife crisis? While some women my age might fantasize about a youthful romance, I daydream of a cozy apartment in New York’s East Village, where I can bask in solitude. Picture me in plush socks, roaming my hardwood floors, searching for inspiration for my next book or longform article. Friends would swing by with affordable bottles of wine, and we’d savor garlic-stuffed olives and artisanal hummus while engaging in deep discussions about poetry and social issues.
Yet, like all fantasies, this one has its flaws—who could realistically afford an apartment in the East Village, let alone indulge in hummus? Moreover, years of freelancing have shown me that even the most ideal work comes with its share of stress.
Maybe my 20s weren’t a waste after all. I devoured books, penned countless imperfect words in worn notebooks, and enrolled in any class I could afford while living on a shoestring budget. I took part in producing a literary radio show and hosted a literary salon, inviting local authors to share their work. I led a creative life, even if it didn’t lead to wealth or renown.
The reality is that most individuals I know, especially those in their 40s, haven’t followed a straightforward path to career satisfaction. Growing up in Northern California, a place synonymous with self-discovery through various unconventional methods, I’ve always pursued joy over obligation. While this might not have positioned me as a media powerhouse, it has granted me a life filled with purpose.
Additionally, if I had chosen that different path, I wouldn’t have my incredible 7-year-old son, who continually opens my eyes to the beauty in life—pointing out the tiniest flowers during our hikes and reminding me that “we’re all made of the universe.” There wouldn’t be my supportive husband, who has always encouraged my writing endeavors, even when it meant little financial gain or traveling to Vermont for a low-residency MFA program.
Had I taken that alternate route in my 20s, I might be like many others, grappling with the challenges of surviving in an ever-expensive city, buried beneath one idea of success while yearning for another—one that eerily resembles the fulfilling life I now have: a cozy home in a charming town, a close-knit community, and enough modest accomplishments that I achieved without sacrificing my well-being.
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In summary, while the path I took in my 20s may not resemble the conventional success stories, it led me to a meaningful life filled with creativity, love, and personal fulfillment.
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