Image via La Jolie Vie Photography
As a physician and a parent, I’ve come to expect the questions, stares, and assumptions that come with being part of a diverse family. Ever since my partner, Alex, and I embarked on our parenting journey five years ago, we’ve encountered a myriad of inquiries.
- “Are they all yours?”
- “I can’t imagine giving up my baby.”
- “Are you their caregiver?”
- “Isn’t adoption outrageously costly?”
- “What country did they come from?”
- “Why didn’t you adopt children of your own ethnicity?”
- “Don’t many adopted kids have issues?”
- “Does open adoption confuse your children?”
- “Oh! How wonderful that you adopted children who needed homes.”
- “Are they foster kids?”
- “Isn’t it risky their birth parents might want them back?”
This constant barrage of questions has made us adept at responding to curious onlookers. There’s hardly a day that goes by without someone wanting to know more about our family dynamics. Many assume we’ve become adoption educators simply by virtue of our choice to become an adoptive family, especially since I am white and our three children are black. With each passing year, we’ve grown more patient, understanding, and resilient. We respond with patience and honesty while safeguarding the privacy of our children.
However, one question consistently irks me: “Are they real siblings?”
Picture this: You’re in a grocery store with your lively family—your children are touching, bouncing, and giggling. A stranger turns to inquire, “Are they real siblings?” It’s jarring and unwelcome. In the midst of managing a cart full of groceries, diapers, and other necessities, the last thing you expect is to be questioned about your family’s authenticity.
Why does this question catch me off guard? Because, like any parent, I’m simply trying to ensure my kids are safe, happy, and healthy. At that moment, they are just kids—full of energy and life—who deserve respect and the space to be themselves. They are not merely subjects of inquiry about adoption.
Consider the people you hold dear. Your best friend, your spouse, your parents, or even a cherished neighbor. Many of these relationships are not defined by biology, yet the love you share is profound and genuine.
I’ve encountered the “real” sibling question countless times, often recognizing that the inquirer is using “real” to mean “biological.” While I understand the underlying intent, it’s essential to consider the innocent children standing with me. The term “real” can be confusing and hurtful.
My kids behave like any siblings: they tease each other, share affection, snatch toys, and engage in playful antics. They argue and make up, enjoy silly dances to their favorite songs, and support one another.
These children are not merely “adopted” or “fostered”—they are vibrant individuals with feelings. They overhear the inquiries about our family’s legitimacy, and it can be disheartening.
Our love is authentic. Our family is genuine. It’s all very real.
So, the next time you see a family that may not fit the traditional mold—whether in a store, park, or restaurant—feel free to smile. Just remember to keep your thoughts about what constitutes a “real” family to yourself. As my mother always reminded me, just because you think something doesn’t mean you need to voice it.
For more on the journey of family creation, including helpful information about pregnancy and home insemination, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. If you’re interested in learning about at-home insemination options, visit this authority on the subject.
Summary
In a world where family forms are diverse and nuanced, it’s crucial to respect and affirm all families. Questions about the authenticity of familial bonds can be harmful and intrusive. Every family is “real” in its own right, filled with love and connection, regardless of biological ties.