The Ultimate Guide to Valid Reasons for an Early School Pickup

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Dear Kids,

Each week, at least one of you seems to be reaching out for an early school pickup. The excuses vary widely—from feeling under the weather to simply not wanting to deal with school. I’ve laid out the criteria for what qualifies as an acceptable reason for me to come and get you, but it appears there’s still some confusion. So, let’s clarify what might warrant an early exit from school. Pay close attention!

1. Blood – We’re talking about a serious situation here—think of a major, gushing wound. If a couple of Band-Aids can handle it, don’t even think about calling me. You should be in a scenario straight out of a horror movie to justify my trip to the school. Ideally, you’d need to be in an ambulance on your way to the ER, and I’ll meet you there.
2. Cuts – Not just any cut will do. If you’ve been impaled by something that’s still lodged inside you, then we’re talking. And no, a pencil doesn’t count. If the object is larger than your fist, call me.
3. Vomiting – You need to be completely covered in vomit or have just hurled in front of an adult for me to consider coming to get you. I know you’ve been told to throw up in the toilet at home, and I’m certain you haven’t suddenly developed a knack for using the school restroom for this purpose. Rumored incidents of vomiting won’t cut it.
4. Headaches – The only scenario that will bring me to school for a headache is if your skull has been split in two or if there’s a nail embedded in it.
5. Injuries – A call about a sore wrist or a hurt toe? Forget it. I’ll say a prayer for your well-being, but I’m not coming. The only injury worth my time is if a bone is protruding through your skin.
6. Earaches – Absolutely not.
7. Forgotten Lunch – Tough luck! Whatever is on the lunch menu at school is what you’ll eat. I’m not making a trip to deliver your lunch or anything else. If you forgot your boots and can’t go outside, that’s your problem to sort out.
8. Stomach Aches – No way. Unless I see a 100-degree fever, you’re staying at school.
9. Sore Throat – You can get a drink of water, but you’re going back to class after that.
10. Bug Bites – Unless you’ve swollen to three times your normal size, don’t even think about calling to complain about itchiness. You’ve got to learn to manage minor annoyances like everyone else has for centuries.

See, while you’re at school, I’m busy with my own activities (like napping or catching up on some shows). So, spare me the boredom pleas. Enjoy your time at school, and I’ll see you at pickup—no sooner!

Love,
Your Mom

In summary, this guide outlines the only valid reasons for an early pickup from school. If you don’t have a serious medical condition or an emergency, you’re expected to tough it out and enjoy your day. For more insights on parenting, check out our other post here. Also, if you’re considering at-home insemination, check out this reputable retailer for kits. And for further information on pregnancy, visit Medline Plus.