Every day, as I prepare to face the world, I reflect on my experiences navigating public interactions—especially those at the grocery store. My frustration doesn’t stem from my kids’ antics or the unavailability of my favorite snacks but from the well-meaning yet intrusive questions posed by strangers. When I mention my oldest child, Mia, is my stepdaughter, I can almost see the shift in their demeanor. Their admiration for our family dynamic fades, and suddenly, I’m scrutinized, my parenting questioned simply because I’m not her biological mother. It’s astonishing how quickly people feel entitled to comment on our lives.
Here’s a guide on what not to say to my stepdaughter or any stepchild:
- “When do you go home?”
While this may seem harmless, it suggests that our home isn’t truly hers. Mia is as much at home with us as she is with her mother. This question can unintentionally convey that she’s merely a visitor in our lives.
- “Do you enjoy having two houses?”
Sure, she may answer positively, but inside, she might wish for her parents to be together. A split family structure is not ideal, and she’s making the best of a challenging situation.
- “The divorce wasn’t your fault.”
Though this is often said to comfort, it can backfire. Mia never thought the split was her responsibility until someone planted that doubt. Now, she may wonder if she played a role in the separation.
- “Which house do you like better?”
This question is unfair and competitive, putting her in a difficult position. Mia loves both homes and doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by choosing sides.
- “Where’s your real mom/dad?”
Yes, biologically, Mia is not my child, but I am her parent by choice. If there’s an issue, I am fully equipped to address it without waiting for her biological parent.
- “Don’t you wish you had a real sibling?”
While her sisters are technically half-siblings, they are still family in every sense. They love one another deeply, and that bond is what truly matters.
- “Don’t you get the rules confused?”
Adapting to different family rules can be challenging, but implying she might misbehave because of them adds unnecessary pressure. We strive for consistency, and she’s capable of understanding the expectations in both homes.
These questions may appear innocent, yet they can deeply affect a child’s sense of belonging. As a guardian, my goal is to foster an environment where my children—biological or not—feel secure and valued. Society should support kids like Mia in recognizing that they are integral to their families, regardless of their family structure.
If you’re interested in learning more about family dynamics and parenting strategies, check out our other blog post on intracervical insemination. For those navigating the journey of parenthood, Make a Mom offers insightful resources. Additionally, the NICHD is an excellent source for information related to pregnancy and family planning.
In summary, being mindful of the language we use around stepchildren is crucial. We must aim to cultivate an atmosphere of love and acceptance, helping them feel at home in their unique family structures.