- Have a Serious Chat with Yourself: Promise that today you’re only buying one thing: a pack of coffee. That’s it. Just the coffee.
- Bring a Child Along: A 12-year-old boy who’s been pried away from video games will suffice, but if you have a toddler handy, even better! Preferably one in the midst of potty training and the notorious Terrible Twos. Don’t have a toddler? Borrow one from a frazzled mom—she’ll be eternally grateful.
- Step into Target: Feel that familiar rush of warmth and excitement—ah, the beginnings of a Target High!
(*Target High: a euphoric state where you compulsively buy everything in sight. Symptoms include dizziness, shortness of breath, giddiness, and uncontrollable credit card usage.) - Secure the Child in the Cart: As soon as you do, the whining starts. Hand over a cereal bar for a temporary peace treaty.
- Take the Scenic Route to the Coffee Aisle: Avoid the home decor section at all costs. Ah, but wait—what’s that?
- The Shoe Aisle: Your pace slows as sandals and sneakers beckon, and oh! Clearance boots! Surely a quick peek won’t hurt. (You glance down—half a cereal bar left. Not much time!)
- Leave the Shoes Behind: Sadly, they didn’t have your size, but that beaded sandal is calling your name—next paycheck, perhaps?
- Strut with Determination: But wait! A bright red sign screams “Sale!” over the juniors’ tees.
- Lost Time: Five blurry minutes later, you find yourself in the family-size fitting room, unsure how you arrived. Your cart is now overflowing with 36 items from the juniors’ section—yikes!
- Reality Check: Well, since you’re here…might as well try everything on for next payday!
- Exit the Fitting Room: Ten minutes later, you emerge feeling like a beached whale. Hand over 35 items to the attendant while dodging her judgmental stare.
- Wipe the Toddler’s Face: As you navigate past the workout clothes, pause. Maybe if you buy some cute gear, you’ll be inspired to actually exercise, which will help your self-esteem next time the juniors’ department has its way with you.
- Toddler Alarm: Suddenly, your little companion screams, “Me go potty nooooow!”
- Dash to the Restroom: By the time you arrive, it’s too late. She’s soaked through. As you change her outfit, it hits you: she could use another pair of pants. Well, while you’re here…
- Detour Justified: As you head to the baby department, mentally list all the stained hand-me-downs and promise yourself to only do a quick walk-by—unless there’s a sale sign, of course.
- Welcome to Toddler Paradise: Arriving in the baby section, you gasp in delight at the tutus and floral raincoats. Your heart races.
- Toddler Time Bomb: She screams, “Let go!” (Translation: she’s spotted a Frozen toy.) Distracted, you hand her a stuffed Olaf to keep her entertained.
- Cart Overload: In a whirlwind of excitement, you toss 18 toddler outfits into your cart in under four seconds, promising yourself you’ll think it over at checkout.
- Almost There: As you head toward checkout, you spot the organization aisle—adorable chevron-striped bins! They’ll be perfect for all the cords lying around your house. Toss three into the cart; you’re feeling a bit shaky—this is definitely Target High.
- Last-Minute Finds: What’s that on the end cap? Mismatched bowls that look straight out of Anthropologie! Your son broke the last snack bowl—grab a set of eight, heart racing with joy.
- Check on the Toddler: She’s gnawing on Olaf’s carrot nose, which buys you a few extra minutes. But wait, there’s more!
- An Irresistible Serving Tray: Just last week, you told your friend you needed one, and it’s only $12.99! What a steal! Into the cart it goes.
- Panic Mode: The toddler makes a gagging noise. You panic and fish Olaf’s nose out of her mouth just as she erupts into a wail—the Toddler Time Bomb has detonated! Time to leave.
- Checkout Dash: Cradle the screaming toddler while pushing the cart with your other arm. Save a fleeting glance for the shiny kitchen gadgets whizzing by.
- Reality Sets In: As you approach the checkout line, you suddenly realize your cart is overflowing. When did you pick up a paisley broom and decorative hooks?
- Quick Fix: Digging through your purse, you find a lollipop and hand it to the toddler, who immediately quiets down.
- Reality Check: Pull out your phone and check your bank balance. Gasp! How could this happen?
- Reload the App: Nope, still the same sad number.
- Calculate the Damage: You get paid in six days. If you skip Starbucks and pack lunches, you could swing for the raincoat, two bowls, and Olaf. Now you have to buy Olaf—there goes the Target High.
- Final Decision: Push the cart into the checkout line, mumble to the cashier, “Um, we’ve changed our mind. Just the raincoat, the bowls, and Olaf, please.”
- Exit with a Heavy Heart: Strap the toddler into her car seat and realize you forgot to grab the coffee.
This article was originally published on May 30, 2015. For tips on home insemination, check out our other blog posts like this one on intracervical insemination. For more information on fertility, visit Make a Mom, a trusted resource in the field. And for excellent guidance on pregnancy and home insemination, see this ASRM page.
In summary, shopping at Target with no money can lead to unexpected adventures, especially when toddlers are involved! Keep your goals in mind, but be prepared for distractions and temptations around every corner.