Ah, the unmistakable aroma of patchouli and artisanal soaps mingled with the faint whiff of overpriced paper—enough to make anyone’s sinuses revolt. Yet, when it comes to diet trends, this place has everything on lock. They seem to have a keen insight into my eating habits: why I choose certain foods, why I reach for specific drinks, and why I even entertain the idea of eating with my kids (not people, of course—let’s not go there). Sales consultants seem to treat bacon like it’s a beloved pet. Spoiler alert: bacon is scrumptious, while that pet is purely fictional. Don’t take my bacon away, please! Too late.
I’m aware that obesity poses serious health risks, but when I tried to explain to the sales associate that knives can be dangerous too, I was kindly escorted out. Before my exit, however, I managed to grab a bunch of pamphlets filled with their diet wisdom and that dreadful scent to take home for my family’s culinary experiments. Here are my comical findings from trying out various diet fads:
- Clean Eating: If “clean eating” translates to consuming whatever my kids leave behind on their plates while I tidy up, then yes, I’ve been a “clean eater” for ages. I bet you have too!
- Juice Fast: When my little one insists on nothing but sugary pouches, I’m left to wonder if he’s a pint-sized version of Gandhi—just without a valid reason for his sugar-fueled grievances (like when the sky is inexplicably purple).
- Gluten-Free: If I can whip up dinner without leaving my comfy spot on the couch, it’s officially “gluten-free.”
“Hey, Mom, can I have microwave popcorn, pickles, and a can of spam for dinner?”
“Absolutely, buddy! I’m right here, so it’s gluten-free.” I’m becoming quite the pro at this “healthy” gig. - Plant-Based: While I savor cheesy scrambled eggs and crispy bacon, I simply pretend it’s a vibrant salad of quinoa, kale chips, and raw beets. Let’s be real: if my kids won’t touch a steak because it’s too red, there’s no way they’ll go near anything resembling Lady Macbeth’s hue.
- 21-Day Fix: This one is a staple around here. It’s the term we use for cooking dinner for 21 consecutive days, only for no one to take even a single bite. We also refer to it as the Pizza Hut fix—did you know that’s gluten-free too? I just kick back while it arrives at my door.
- Paleolithic Diet: This consists of my kids using dinosaur figurines as utensils to devour chicken nuggets and mac and cheese, while I indulge in a glass of wine from a T-Rex mug. Roar! I’m convinced this was the inspiration behind Katy Perry’s catchy tunes.
- Breatharian Diet: My children are all in on this one since it means they don’t have to eat anything at all. But after begging for candy hour after hour, they eventually realize that meatloaf doesn’t sound half bad compared to being starved.
Originally published on May 8, 2015, these experiences have taught me one thing: parenting and dieting are often more about survival than success.
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Summary: After dabbling in various diet trends, I’ve realized that parenting often turns these fads into comical challenges rather than health victories. From “clean eating” leftovers to dinosaur-themed meals, my experiences are a humorous take on juggling family and dietary expectations.