Editor’s Note: We invited 16-year-old Jamie Winters, whose parents separated when she was just four, to share her perspective on how parents can help ease the emotional impact of divorce on their children. Here’s her heartfelt take.
- Thou shalt avoid public disputes.
I get that parents sometimes struggle to keep the peace, but please, for our sake, keep your disagreements behind closed doors. Kids are like little sponges, soaking up every sound. If you think we can’t hear you arguing in the next room, think again! We’re probably eavesdropping. So, if you sense a conversation could turn heated, take it outside or to a private space. Trust me, we don’t want to play referee between you two. - Thou shalt consider our feelings when dating again.
We understand that dating is a part of life after a divorce. But if we’re not ready to meet your new partner, don’t rush us. Forcing us to accept someone we’re not comfortable with will only breed resentment. Let us express our feelings honestly. Plan special activities that involve just the two of us so we know we still hold a special place in your heart, no matter who else comes along. - Thou shalt keep negative talk about the other parent to a minimum.
Seriously, this isn’t high school gossip. It’s just plain mean to hear one parent bash the other. We love both of you, and when you speak poorly about each other, it hurts us. Remember, even if your ex isn’t part of your life anymore, they still play a significant role in ours. - Thou shalt maintain composure around us.
Divorce is tough on adults, but it’s even tougher on us kids. We might struggle to grasp the concept of divorce, let alone understand the reasons behind it. Please try to be our anchor in these turbulent times. We need to feel loved and supported by both of you, even when everything else feels chaotic. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, lean on friends or family instead of breaking down in front of us. - Thou shalt keep changes to our routine minimal.
Yes, life will change after a divorce, but too many shifts can be disorienting. For instance, I have a set schedule between both my parents, and I still need my usual routines, like school drop-offs and playtime. Consistency helps us feel secure amid the upheaval. - Thou shalt make new spaces feel welcoming.
When Dad moved out, he let me help choose decorations for my new room. I even got to bring my favorite blanket. If I want something to remind me of the other parent at the new house, please don’t make a fuss about it! - Thou shalt communicate openly about the divorce.
Kids need clarity about what’s happening. Help us understand the situation in a way that suits our age. Reassure us that the divorce isn’t our fault—many kids, including some friends of mine, have taken the blame without knowing better. A simple storybook or visual schedule can be incredibly helpful for explaining what’s going on. - Thou shalt honor significant events in our lives.
Important milestones, like graduations and birthdays, should be celebrated with respect. I once felt sidelined when my dad insisted on bringing his girlfriend to my small birthday gathering. It turned into a messy situation, but it taught us both the importance of prioritizing my feelings during family events. - Thou shalt ensure adequate clothing at each home.
After years of shuttling between homes, I still find myself missing crucial items like shoes or socks. Please consider buying duplicates of everything your child loves, especially essentials like underwear. Trust me, you’ll be grateful on those hectic mornings when your child is scrambling to find something to wear! - Thou shalt behave like the adults you are.
Seriously, let’s keep it mature here.