A little while ago, I received a message from a woman I only know online. The subject? “I think I’m a terrible mom.” Naturally, I opened it immediately, feeling a wave of concern wash over me.
Her email was filled with thoughts like these: “I love my kids, but sometimes I can’t stand them. I feel so unhappy. My husband and I barely connect anymore. I try to instill good values, and while they behave well in public, at home it’s chaos. They lack manners and often say things like, ‘You’re the worst mom ever.’ I’ve tried every tactic—positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, you name it—and nothing seems to work. I feel like I’m failing. My kids deserve a better mom, and my husband deserves a better partner. I’m terrified I’ve ruined my children for life.”
Wow. That’s it?
If feeling this way makes you an inadequate mother, then we’re all in the same boat! Seriously! I’m pretty sure I’m not the only mom who has exclaimed, “You’d never talk to your teacher like that! I’m your mother! I take care of you! Don’t talk to me that way! You know better!” And during my time as a teacher, I had countless conferences with parents where I’d share how wonderful their child was, only to hear, “You should see him at home!” or “Are we even talking about the same kid?”
We all want the same thing: to raise kind, responsible, and compassionate children. We strive for them to be respectful members of society because when they achieve that, parenting is more enjoyable, and we feel like we’ve done our best.
As parents, we take immense pride in our creations. Whether it’s a child, a drawing, or a work project, we cherish the moments when our hard work pays off. The most significant creation, though, is undeniably our children. You’ve nurtured them inside of you, and when they arrive, they are perfect and innocent. But then comes the real challenge. Growing a baby might be the easy part. The hard work begins once they are here. Programming them to be decent human beings is tough and exhausting. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t go as planned, and it can feel like we’re making mistakes that will haunt us forever.
I often share pictures of my kids doing the right things on social media—cooking, reading, cooperating—because those moments make me proud. It’s like when your little one shows you a scribbled drawing, beaming with pride, asking, “Do you like it? Is it good, Mommy?” When things turn out well, we want to share that joy, especially since those moments of success may only represent a fraction of our reality. The truth is, many of us experience chaos and frustration much more frequently than the picture-perfect moments we post online.
I remember on a recent vacation, we were staying in a condo, and the kids had a complete meltdown as we tried to leave for the beach. One kid had sunscreen in her eyes, another couldn’t find his ball, and chaos erupted. It was sheer madness, with cries and fights filling the air. I’m sure the neighbors were close to calling for help. This was not a moment for social media; it was pure, unfiltered reality.
My kids understand right from wrong, and they know not to hit. There are times they follow the rules, and I feel like I’m nailing this parenting thing. But then there are moments, like that vacation incident, that make me question everything. And let’s be honest, those challenging times happen more often than we’d like to admit.
Kids will naturally test boundaries—they push, prod, and see how far they can go. During those moments, just hang on and ride out the storm. There will be a time when things settle, and you regain your energy and patience. You will feel ready to try new approaches. It could be tomorrow, next week, or even a year from now. Until then, remember that your kids are not ruined, and you are far from an unfit mom.
The goal of parenting isn’t perfection. It’s not about baking cookies or crafting the perfect Instagram post. Sometimes, the only goal is simply to keep everyone safe and sound. And that doesn’t make you a bad mom—it makes you a normal one.
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Summary
Parenting is a challenging journey filled with ups and downs. When you feel like you’re failing, remember that those feelings are universal among mothers. Everyone struggles with their kids at times, and it’s normal to question your abilities. The important thing is to keep trying, knowing that the goal is not perfection but rather keeping everyone safe and nurtured.