A few weeks back, I accidentally slammed a revolving door into a woman at the local YMCA. I wish I could say it was a well-planned move, but it wasn’t. Juggling a baby in one arm and a folded stroller in the other, I was nudging the door with my shoulder. Behind me, a guy, clearly eager for his workout, pushed the door with enthusiasm. The woman stepped out just in time to catch the door right in the side.
“Ah, I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, instinctively. But instead of acceptance, she shot back, “NEXT TIME, BE MORE CAREFUL!” The other gym-goers exchanged annoyed glances—was it directed at her or me? Who knows?
While this incident seems trivial, it lingered in my mind for days—a relentless replay of annoyance. I found myself fantasizing about clever comebacks, like, “Lady, it’s a revolving door!” But it wasn’t just the door mishap; the encounter stirred up deeper feelings of unresolved frustrations from the past. I realized that holding onto this grudge was disrupting my peace. Every time I tried to tell myself to “let it go,” it crashed back into my thoughts, much like an unwelcome tune from a long-forgotten song.
This got me thinking: How do we cope with deeper grievances? Why do some people bounce back from betrayal or abandonment while others dwell on it for years? Some seem to effortlessly “let things go,” but is there a method to achieve this? I didn’t want to remain irritated by a random woman at the gym, yet I felt hopelessly stuck.
To explore this, I consulted three experts across various fields related to forgiveness.
The Organizational Psychologist
Dr. James Reed, a professor at the University of Washington’s business school, analyzed numerous studies on forgiveness. He found that a key factor in forgiving others lies in our ability to empathize with them. When wronged, we often focus on the offender’s negative traits, thinking, “They’re just a bad person.” However, Dr. Reed suggests changing our perspective: what if the wrong was unintentional? Most people are trying their best, even if they sometimes hurt others in the process.
To shift your mindset, he recommends recalling times when you’ve wronged others. We tend to judge ourselves less harshly, thinking, “I was having a bad day.” “Think of your forgiveness as a gift,” he suggests, allowing the offender to feel relief as well. Instead of suppressing thoughts of conflict, which often leads to further rumination, try to reframe how you think about the situation.
If the grievance is more substantial, like co-parenting with an ex after a messy breakup, consider that both parties likely want what’s best for the child.
For a structured approach, Dr. Reed recommends exploring the REACH method, a five-step plan developed by psychologist Everett Worthington.
The Mindfulness Expert
Next, I spoke with Lisa Thompson, the director of the Mindfulness in Law Program at the University of Miami. “Our minds naturally drift to the past, often revisiting sources of discomfort,” she said. Mindfulness practice helps us manage this tendency. When your mind wanders, gently bring your focus back to your breath and the present moment.
If you find yourself ruminating—like I did about the woman at the gym—Lisa suggests examining the story you tell yourself about the hurt. Often, the agitated feelings stem not from the event itself but from the narrative we attach to it.
In cases of significant wrongs, like abuse, mindfulness is still beneficial, but seeking professional help is crucial. It’s essential to confront discomfort to make informed decisions, such as cutting ties with an abuser. Mindfulness can help you remain steady amidst conflicting emotions, allowing you to move forward—perhaps feeling both shame and courage simultaneously.
The Spiritual Perspective
Finally, I chatted with Father Tom Richards, a priest from St. Anne’s Church in New York. He shared insights from the Christian perspective on forgiveness. He began with the idea of forgiving oneself, especially through the sacrament of Confession. “When we’re hurt, it’s natural to feel pain,” he explained. Drawing on the crucifixion of Jesus, he emphasized the importance of rising above suffering. Holding onto pain can paralyze us, which isn’t the intention.
Each expert provided a unique approach to forgiveness, encouraging us to move past the stories surrounding our grievances. They suggested replacing rumination with empathy, self-care, or spiritual reflection.
In the end, I tried to put myself in the shoes of the woman at the gym. Perhaps she had a rough morning, and my door incident pushed her over the edge. I managed to summon some compassion—I’ve had my fair share of embarrassing moments too.
After engaging with these insights, my fixation on that minor incident faded. Whether it was looking at her situation differently or simply shifting my focus, I realized that living fully—through work, relationships, and hobbies—can gradually diminish the weight of past grievances. Healing is a bit like overcoming an injury: you strengthen the surrounding areas, and over time, the original pain becomes less of a burden.
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Summary:
Forgiveness is a multifaceted process that can take on various forms, be it through empathy, mindfulness, or spiritual reflection. By exploring different perspectives, we learn to let go of grudges and find peace, transforming our focus from past grievances to present joy.