It’s about time we had a little chat about our family’s quirks. Let’s face it—we’re a bit unique, and sometimes we overshare with people who are just strangers. Maybe we’re more typical than I think, but it seems like everyone else has taught their kids about appropriate topics and language for different settings. I realized this the other day when we went to that restaurant, and one of you exclaimed, “It’s my turn to hold the vibrator!” while grabbing the pager. I knew right then that we needed to talk.
Now, I sincerely hope you don’t know what a vibrator is (please say you don’t!). Your intentions were innocent—you just liked the way it felt under your shirt and wanted your turn with it. But let’s consider not putting pagers under our clothes anymore. I mean, who knows where they’ve been!
How about we practice lowering our voices? Maybe we could avoid shouting in public and zip our lips a bit more. Keeping our thoughts to ourselves would really help save your mom from feeling like she needs to hide in a corner sometimes.
I get that you get super excited when I buy you a new toothbrush, especially since I have to remind you to brush those tiny teeth of yours. But if I need to run to the restroom after leaving the store, it’s not the right moment to whip out your new toothbrush and start brushing at the water fountain! Following directions is always the right move—always.
And while it was hilarious when you announced you had to take a “Trump dump” before heading off to the bathroom, I meant it when I said not to say that again. I know I laughed, but let’s keep some things private—especially when we have guests over for dinner. I’d like to have them back without cringing at your next “big reveal.”
Last year, when you barged in on me while I was having a private moment of tears and taking a pregnancy test, I explained what was happening. Just know that nobody wants to hear that story again! Everything turned out fine in the end, but we can let that one go now, okay? And maybe try knocking before entering the bathroom next time?
Then, there was that time when Dad was lying on the couch feeling unwell with ice on his lap after a procedure. You compared it to when we had our puppy fixed, which was kind of cute and made sense at the time. But when I heard you telling others that “Dad got his balls chopped off,” I realized we might need to have a little chat about private matters. If it involves private parts, please ask Mom or Dad before sharing that with the world—especially in aisle six of the grocery store.
On a positive note, I actually appreciate that you’ve taken up hissing when you’re upset. It’s a far better outlet than yelling or hitting, but let’s keep that to our family and not use it on adults, especially your teachers.
The time has come for us to step up our game. You’re getting older, and it’s time to leave the silly stuff and intimate family details out of our conversations with strangers. We can still have fun, but let’s keep that fun just for us. If we do, I bet we’ll get invited to more outings—and that could be a lot more enjoyable than embarrassing me at every public event. Plus, I might yell at you less, which could save me some money on stress-relief snacks!
So, what do you say? Let’s make an effort together.
Love,
Mom
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Summary: This lighthearted letter from a mother to her kids addresses the importance of keeping family matters private and being mindful of what they share with others. Through funny anecdotes and gentle reminders, the mom encourages her children to navigate social interactions more appropriately while still embracing their unique family dynamics.