When my son, Leo, entered the world, I was consumed by worries about his future. Like any parent, I fretted over whether he was eating enough, sleeping well, and if I should let him cry it out or rock him to sleep. But because I struggle with anxiety myself, my concerns were even more overwhelming. I found myself pondering questions like where he would attend kindergarten in five years, and what would happen if I ended up in a nursing home, leaving him without a sibling to support him. You know, the kind of things you really don’t need to stress about when your baby is just six weeks old.
Ironically, I never considered whether he might inherit my anxiety. But, surprise! He did. I tried to remain calm when he was three and had trouble falling asleep or when, at four, he suddenly didn’t want to leave my side during kids’ church. I thought these were typical phases all children experience.
However, by age six, Leo stopped wanting to engage in activities he once enjoyed and preferred to stay home. Nightmares became a nightly ritual, making bedtime a dreaded event for him. About six months ago, he began to overreact to minor setbacks, and at the start of the school year, he developed an intense fear of scissors. At that point, I couldn’t ignore the signs anymore, so we visited his pediatrician, who confirmed my fears: Leo was dealing with anxiety.
What struck me most was how closely his struggles mirrored my own. I completely relate when he expresses that he’d rather not attend a friend’s birthday party. Just a few months back, he had a meltdown over it, and it took me back to my own similar experience at 15. I wanted to go, but fear held me back, and I could see that same anguish on Leo’s face.
Recently, he’s started voicing some of the long-standing worries I’ve had about death. They often surface right as he’s trying to drift off to sleep. Does anyone else feel overwhelmed with fears at bedtime? If so, you’re not alone; Leo and I are in this together.
Last night was another one of those indecision meltdowns. I was busy with an online class when his dad, not realizing what was going on, told Leo I was occupied. Leo got upset. Thankfully, my husband encouraged him to say goodnight, but by then, the anxiety had already taken hold, and nothing could convince him it was okay. After some tears, his dad managed to distract him with a bedtime story.
When I finished my class and checked in on Leo, he was already fast asleep. Watching him sleep, I couldn’t help but feel a wave of sadness, realizing how much he would grapple with this throughout his life. It made me cry a little—okay, a lot.
But I’m 34, not 6, and I’ve picked up a few coping mechanisms along the way. Instead of spiraling into despair over what my child may have inherited from me, I began to focus on what I could appreciate about our shared experience. Surprisingly, I came up with a solid list.
1. Our Bond is Unique
No one understands his thought process quite like I do, and one day, he’ll be able to understand me in ways others can’t. We often talk about our feelings, which hopefully lays the groundwork for a trusting relationship that will endure.
2. I Can Stand Up for Him
I can stand up for him in ways that no one stood up for me. My mom had no idea about my anxiety until I faced serious postpartum issues. I didn’t even know I had a problem back then! But now, I can advocate for Leo and seek help while he’s still young.
3. Open Dialogue
We discuss our anxieties openly—whether it’s with each other, family members, or his therapist. This open dialogue helps me stay aware of my own internal struggles and works to normalize what is often stigmatized. God willing, he won’t have to feel the embarrassment I sometimes do about my thoughts.
4. His Other Traits
Finally, it’s worth noting that his anxious thoughts aren’t the only traits he’s inherited from me. Leo is also incredibly intelligent, creative, and empathetic. Reflecting on all the joy I find in life, anxieties and all, I hope he will come to appreciate life too.
While I may not be able to eliminate his anxiety, I can support him through it. And honestly, that’s enough for me—no matter how much my brain tries to convince me otherwise, especially late at night. So, here’s to us tackling this journey together!
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Summary
Navigating the complexities of parenting is challenging, especially when your child mirrors your own struggles with anxiety. By fostering open communication, advocating for support, and focusing on the positive aspects of your bond, you can help guide your child through their fears while also finding strength in your shared experiences.