I just completely lost it on my partner.
It was a Sunday afternoon, and I had endured a week filled with stress, sleepless nights, and a touch of illness. I had been trying to focus on some work, and my partner had graciously taken the kids to Grandma’s for a few hours, giving me a chance for some much-needed quiet time.
But here’s how that “trip to Grandma’s” unfolded: my 4-year-old was dashing out into the chilly air without a jacket, and my partner was trailing behind, completely forgetting the spelling list for our 9-year-old—something I had reminded them about three times. On top of that, the dishes I had asked them to tackle this morning were still stacked high in the sink. And, of course, I was feeling hangry after spending the last hour serving snacks to everyone else but myself.
So, I dashed to the door, poked my head out, and shouted at the top of my lungs, “Come back here!” I then proceeded to unload a list of grievances, shoving the jacket and spelling list into their hands while gesturing wildly at the overflowing sink.
To my surprise, my partner, being the patient soul they are, looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Hey, it’s been a long week for me too. I’m sorry. Just take a deep breath and focus on your work. We’ll be back soon.”
Wow, they were right.
This isn’t always how things go, of course. There are times when my partner snaps at me too. But despite their occasional shortcomings and the challenges we face, I shouldn’t take my frustrations out on them.
And yet, I often do—more than I should. They do it too. We’re generally patient and kind to others, and while the kids can sometimes drive us up the wall, we consciously avoid unleashing our frustrations on them. But when it comes to each other, those basic rules of civility seem to vanish.
If I’m having a rotten day—one that has nothing to do with my partner—and I happen to see their socks next to the hamper instead of in it, I’m likely to blow up, even if they’ve been nothing but sweet all day. Likewise, if my partner has had a rough day at work and I’m distracted by my phone when they try to talk to me, they might explode about how I never listen—not just today, but always.
Both of our complaints may hold some truth, but it seems we’re both quick to overreact, letting our bad days and stress levels steer us off course.
I wonder if this behavior is, in some way, a sign of love. Perhaps it’s a form of trust? I’ve noticed it mirrors how my kids act. They might be perfect little angels at school or with friends, but once they’re home, they let all their pent-up feelings out in the safety of my unconditional love.
I do feel fortunate to have a partner with whom I can share my feelings openly. However, I also realize it’s not always a positive thing. While I know I need to speak up when necessary, I must remind myself that it’s unrealistic to expect perfection from our partners. After 15 years of marriage, I’ve learned that the adage “You get what you get, and you don’t get upset” applies to relationships too. Acceptance is key to lasting partnerships.
So, no matter how much my partner drives me nuts, or how stressful life can get, I need to take a step back, breathe deeply, and resist the urge to scream at them over every little thing. Even if I apologize later or we reach a truce, lashing out isn’t kind. Those little outbursts can accumulate and cause harm.
I understand the struggle. In fact, I see that PMS is looming on the calendar for next week, and I’m sure I’ll be snapping at my partner for leaving the toilet seat up or devouring all the tasty snacks. But I’ll try my best to keep my mouth shut, grab some Oreos before they do, and retreat to the bathroom to indulge instead of losing my cool. At least, that’s the plan.
For more on navigating relationships, you might find this piece helpful. And if you’re curious about family building options, check out this excellent resource.