I’m confident my kids aren’t dealing with lice; after all, I’ve been led to believe that only the messiest kids get them. I picked up this “fact” from various TV shows where the truth is always shared so honestly. My cousin, Lisa, a pediatrician, would argue otherwise, likely because her kids have faced this little nuisance. Sure, she keeps a spotless home—much cleaner than mine—but I still stand by my assumption: lice equal dirty. Right?
But let’s say, hypothetically, my kids did end up with lice, and I discovered it right in the middle of our vacation last week. Here’s what I would have learned:
- Lice Math
Four kids + three lice = four sets of bedding + essential stuffed animals = over 200 items to wash in a machine that’s not mine! - Prosecco
There’s not enough prosecco in the world to help you survive this chaos. Why didn’t we stock up when we passed that liquor store in the tax-free state? Oh, the agony! More prosecco, please! - Lice Treatment
No one at the out-of-state Walmart will bat an eye at the lice medicine in your cart. Oddly enough, you’ll still find yourself judging the contents of their carts, though. - The Itch
The itching is relentless. It’s pure torture! - Tiny Combs
Applying slippery treatment to 24 inches of hair only to comb it out with minuscule metal combs in tiny sections repeatedly feels like a personal hell. Seriously, where’s my prosecco? Did we even buy chardonnay? Who planned this trip? Don’t they sell prosecco next to the combs and lice treatments at Walmart? Come on! - Judgment
One child is clearly “patient zero.” You’ll chastise her with Typhoid Mary references while trying to stifle her whining as you comb through her hair. She’s the reason for the family’s plight. No one is allowed to sit in her car seat. No exceptions! - Old Eyes
How did I even spot the first louse? Now, I can’t see a thing! Is there a magnifying glass at Walmart? There should be—next to the tiny combs and prosecco! - Blow Drying
You’ll be told to blow dry your kids’ hair every other day forever, even though you haven’t had time to fully dry your own hair in years. Apparently, heat kills lice. Well, blow drying seven square feet of hair for three hours daily will surely kill your spirit. If you haven’t gotten prosecco, feel free to devour all the Hershey’s bars meant for s’mores at the campfire. Blame it on Typhoid Mary when you run out. - Fair-Weather Friends
Upon returning home, you might find half your playdates and birthday invites canceled. One friend will say, “How about in two or three weeks?” while another will panic and say, “Oh my gosh! My nanny just told me Mary has lice too! I can’t even drive because I’m itching so much! Hold on; I need to stop by a liquor store!” She’ll still want to hang out. - You’ve Learned Nothing
When that other friend with lice agrees to a playdate, you’ll hesitate for a moment, wondering if it’s a good idea—because…lice. So gross.
In summary, wash everything, buy more prosecco, grab a tiny metal comb along with some lice shampoo (my cousin says so), and then comb, comb, comb, blow-dry every other day for eternity. Amen. And if you’re seeking a silver lining, one site suggests that nit-picking can be a great bonding experience with your child. I see it more as a cue for more prosecco, but hey, what do I know? My kids are lice-free!
But maybe yours aren’t. I promise I won’t judge. Honestly.
Okay, fine. You caught me. My kids have lice. Have a Hershey’s bar.
This article was originally published on Aug. 20, 2016. If you’re interested in more insights, check out this blog post.