Traveling with toddlers can feel like a chaotic adventure—imagine attempting to sip salt water after swallowing shards of glass. It’s a painful experience, and trust me, someone is bound to get hurt along the way. I learned this lesson the hard way during a family trip a few summers back.
In the spring of 2009, we thought it wise to combine a job interview with a family getaway. Spoiler alert: it was a terrible idea. We spent a staggering 12 hours on the road with a 4-year-old and a toddler who had just turned 2. As you can imagine, the experience was even more excruciating than it sounds.
On a good day, my sweet daughters could hardly tolerate being strapped into their car seats for a quick trip across town. So, you can only imagine their horror at the prospect of being confined for such a long stretch during their very first long road trip. I would have jumped out of my skin if someone had attempted to buckle me into that claustrophobic, thigh-pinching torture device for twelve hours straight.
Every 20 minutes, my oldest would chirp, “Are we there yet?” I used to chuckle at this classic parenting trope, but I quickly discovered the reality of that question could push even the calmest parent to the brink of insanity. I used to think that those moms who snapped were just lacking in patience, but now I understand how relentless inquiries can make a grown woman feel like crying—especially over a 12-hour haul.
While my oldest bombarded us with “Are we there yet?” my youngest was in a full-blown panic over a gnat. Yes, a gnat! This tiny creature must have been the most terrifying thing she ever encountered because she screamed in terror for a solid three hours. Oh, the humanity of it all!
So, to sum it up: my 4-year-old was fixated on the incessant question of our arrival, while my 2-year-old was engaged in a dramatic showdown with a gnat that sounded like it was auditioning for a horror movie. I was teetering on the edge of sanity, and my poor husband was contemplating a detour to the nearest gun shop—perhaps to acquire a weapon to deal with the chaos.
Desperate to entertain, I resorted to my trusty bag of tricks. Despite having packed 1,200 DVDs, they were no longer captivating. We colored, we sang—only the songs they knew, mind you, which included “Twinkle, Twinkle,” “Mary Had a Little Lamb,” “Happy Birthday,” and the catchy Subway jingle that my toddler couldn’t get enough of. The Subway tune played on repeat, and while it was adorable at first, I could have used a lesson on moderation.
Amidst the musical chaos, we decided to make a stop at a Wendy’s in West Virginia. (I should have known better after seeing Wrong Turn.) We grabbed lunch, but the food was undercooked. While I attempted to salvage the situation, a fly descended upon our table, sending my toddlers into a frenzy of screams and tears as if they were facing a dragon. It was just a housefly!
In a moment of desperation, I swatted the fly with my flip-flop, eliminating the threat in front of all the other horrified patrons. Just as I thought things couldn’t get worse, my youngest shouted at the top of her lungs, “EWWWW, FAArTED. Stinks!” Mortified, I dragged my girls out of that Wendy’s, only to realize she hadn’t farted at all but had, in fact, blown out her diaper. It was the longest 12 hours of my life.
Despite the chaos, we emerged a bit worse for wear, but I see it as a testament to our family’s resilience that we all reached our destination without any major meltdowns—aside from that poor fly at Wendy’s. If you’re considering a road trip with toddlers, brace yourself, and maybe check out some helpful resources like this post on Cervical Insemination or Hopkins Medicine’s fertility center for any related queries. And if you need a reliable at-home insemination kit, Make a Mom has got you covered.
In the end, that chaotic road trip became a bonding experience that we’ll never forget, gnat and all.
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