It has been observed that purchasing Ikea furniture can be reminiscent of the experience of parenting. Despite the inevitable challenges, many individuals find themselves drawn to the prospect of acquiring more. Each time, there is a sense of confidence that this attempt will be less stressful and not lead to marital discord.
To ensure that your next endeavor with Ikea furniture assembly proceeds more smoothly—and to maintain harmony in your relationship—consider the following steps:
- Begin your project once children are asleep, feeling refreshed and eager to accomplish something.
- Skim through the assembly instructions.
- When your partner inquires if you understand the process, respond with confidence, “Of course! This is easy.”
- Start by fitting the dowel rods together.
- Secretly think, “I’ll finish in twenty minutes and still have time for my favorite show.”
- Secure the first nut and insert the bolt.
- Attempt to turn the bolt with your fingernail. Repeat until your nail breaks.
- Use pliers to hold the nut in place as instructed.
- With the pliers in one hand, use an Allen wrench to tighten the bolt.
- Watch as the bolt unexpectedly falls to the floor.
- Use your foot to stabilize the pliers.
- Place the bolt back into the hole with one hand while twisting the Allen wrench with the other.
- Consider the possibility of enlisting a monkey’s help.
- Reluctantly allow your partner to assist, as they believe feet should not be used for tool work.
- Observe how they inadvertently cause the Allen wrench to slip, resulting in disassembly.
- Briefly entertain thoughts of extreme frustration.
- Think, “Allen, I know you’re out there. I will find you.”
- Take a moment to relax with a glass of wine and research “the inventor of the Allen wrench.”
- Discover that the inventor has passed away. One less task for you!
- Curse his name and hope he is eternally tasked with furniture assembly in the afterlife.
- Return to your assembly project.
- Realize there is no hole for the bolt on the final piece.
- Resort to your toolbox for a hammer and nails, as striking things can be satisfying.
- Learn that over-tightening bolts causes the wood to crack. Even a gentle breath can lead to splintering. Yet, the wood remains solid when trying to create a new hole.
- Declare, “Forget it!” and pour another glass of wine while contemplating the flammability of the furniture.
- Revert to power tools, even if the instructions advise against it.
- If you lack power tools, head to the store for both tools and more wine.
- Hand power tools to your partner, who is currently cursing the Ikea CEO.
- Enjoy another glass of wine.
- Watch as your partner successfully drills the necessary hole and connects the last piece.
- Discover that there was indeed a pre-existing hole, and that the piece is installed incorrectly.
- Observe your partner’s frustration with a sense of detached amusement.
- Enjoy another glass of wine.
- Retire for the night, vowing never to buy Ikea furniture again.
- Find yourself purchasing more next month.
In conclusion, the secret ingredient to surviving Ikea assembly is wine.
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