The life of a single parent can often resemble a meticulously organized military operation. Take, for instance, my friend Sarah, who navigates her daily routine with her two children like clockwork. Her mornings begin with nursing her infant while her toddler watches a program, then preparing breakfast, dressing them both, and packing lunches. As she gets herself ready for work, the children are occupied with yet another show. The day continues with dropping one child at daycare and the other at preschool, commuting to work, and later, juggling grocery shopping, dinner supervision, bath time, and bedtime stories. After this exhausting schedule, she finally finds a moment to clean the kitchen, respond to work emails, and try to catch some sleep, which is always limited.
Despite this demanding routine, she rarely voices complaints. However, during a recent pickup at school, she expressed a desire for her children to watch less television. A fellow parent suggested, “Why not just provide some crayons or craft supplies? That should keep him entertained for a bit.” Sarah sighed, acknowledging the suggestion but knowing that the TV would reliably capture her children’s attention for a substantial period, while the crayons would only hold interest for a fleeting moment—plus, all the cleanup involved with craft supplies felt daunting.
Similarly, another friend, Emily, who balances a busy career, lamented her reliance on prepared meals for dinner. Someone in our circle chimed in with, “Can’t you just prepare meals on the weekend and reheat them during the week?” To which Emily responded, “Not really,” explaining that weekends were already packed with errands, chores, and childcare responsibilities.
While these exchanges were intended to be supportive, they can unintentionally leave parents feeling inadequate. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if only we were more efficient, we could achieve the idealized version of parenting—complete with homemade meals and engaged playtime.
I, too, have experienced this phenomenon. When my second son was just six weeks old, a college friend invited us to a park in the city. The thought of getting both children there was overwhelming, and when I declined, my friend suggested, “Can’t you just put the baby in a carrier and take a travel stroller?” While that was indeed a possibility, at that moment, I felt completely overwhelmed and exhausted, questioning my ability to manage the logistics required for such an outing.
This phrase, though seemingly innocuous, can make overwhelmed parents feel even more inadequate about their choices. Not every parent can whip up a meal from scratch, squeeze in exercise, or maintain a spotless home. There are days when the only thing we want to do is collapse on the couch. Acknowledging that some problems are not meant to be solved—whether it’s opting for takeout or allowing extra screen time—can be a more compassionate approach.
Let’s collectively agree to retire the phrase “can’t you just…” from our conversations. It’s not our role to solve each other’s challenges, particularly when parents are already aware of potential solutions. Instead, we can support one another by affirming that it’s okay to take shortcuts and that sometimes, the best option is simply to let someone know they are doing just fine.
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In summary, it’s important to remember that parenting is complex and each individual’s circumstances are unique. By eliminating phrases that inadvertently imply inadequacy, we can foster a more supportive environment for parents navigating their own challenges.