Parenting
Not ‘Him’ or ‘Her’: Embracing My Non-Binary Child
by Jamie Reynolds
Yesterday morning, I took my child, Taylor, to the orthodontist for a check-up on their new retainer. The original one had been a casualty of our old dog’s unexpected counter-surfing escapades. It was sad to see the remnants of the chewed-up plastic, and Taylor was heartbroken. They had always been so careful with their retainer, wrapping it in a napkin and keeping it safe. However, the replacement didn’t last long, and we ended up needing a third one.
As I was checking out, I remembered that it was nearly July and I needed to schedule an appointment for Morgan, my youngest, who like my other two kids, would soon need braces. After getting my receipt, I casually mentioned, “Oh, I need to set up an initial appointment for my child.”
“Of course! What’s your child’s name?” the receptionist inquired.
“Taylor,” I replied, “same last name.” I had learned not to use Taylor’s birth name, as they were happy to be mistaken for a girl. Even when asked, “What should we do when people call you a girl, since your pronouns are they/them?” Taylor simply said, “Just roll with it. I don’t mind if they think I’m a girl.” Yet, they were clear about not wanting to transition or be labeled strictly as a girl.
This whole gender identity thing is complex. We live in a community where many people know us. Throughout Taylor’s early years, they were referred to with he/him pronouns. But when Taylor reached fifth grade, everything changed. They began to express themselves differently, growing their hair long and opting for clothes traditionally associated with girls. From bright headbands to sparkly jackets, Taylor presented as feminine, yet still identified as a boy, and I referred to them as my son.
Children can’t easily hide their gender identity, and the distinction between sex assigned at birth and gender is often lost on their peers. Kids can be blunt, frequently asking, “Are you a boy or a girl?” Adults are usually more discreet, but the pressure on non-binary children can be overwhelming. School environments reinforce gender binaries with practices like separating lines for boys and girls and assigning gendered roles in games. For non-binary kids, these reminders can be harsh and invalidating.
The receptionist then asked, “When’s his birthday?”
I felt a pang at the use of “his.” I knew I had to correct her. Taylor, who dislikes being the center of attention, sensed the shift and asked, “Mom, can I wait in the car?” I had previously denied this request, but now I handed her the keys and agreed.
Lowering my voice, I said, “So, Taylor is not ‘he.’ They are non-binary and use ‘they/them’ pronouns.” The receptionist looked puzzled, tilting her head as if trying to comprehend. “I know this is an awkward conversation,” I continued, “and I appreciate your help with record-keeping.”
She nodded, attempting to understand, and then asked, “So, should I refer to Taylor as ‘she’?” I gently corrected, “No, I’m sorry. Taylor doesn’t identify as male or female. They are non-binary.”
I explained further, “Taylor was assigned male at birth but expresses themselves as a girl. However, they aren’t looking to transition to female, so they feel more comfortable identifying as just a person.” The receptionist looked concerned about my mental state, while another staff member, who had been listening, turned to us.
To clarify, I said, “Taylor may or may not be transgender. They’re only 11.” The other receptionist nodded in understanding, and the main receptionist’s expression softened. “Oh,” she said, sounding sympathetic. I smiled, “I’m just trying to support my child.”
She then mentioned she’d note this for the orthodontist’s team. As we wrapped up the appointment details, I realized I should have sought out a more gender-friendly orthodontist for Taylor. I do have a list of practitioners who are supportive of the transgender community, but I hadn’t followed through this time.
As I left the office, a wave of relief washed over me, knowing that I had navigated the conversation, but also recognizing that there’s still work to be done for future families facing similar situations.
I looked at the clock; I had spent 32 minutes discussing pronouns, while my child waited in the car. I didn’t want to burden Taylor with the details, especially since they were so good at understanding these complexities. Instead, I simply said, “Yeah, they were pretty busy.”
This experience reminded me of the importance of creating a supportive environment for our children, and how conversations about identity can pave the way for acceptance. If you’re interested in learning more about topics related to home insemination, you can check out this post. Also, if you’re looking for more information on fertility journeys, Make a Mom offers great resources. Lastly, for insights on IUI success, WebMD is an excellent reference.
Summary:
Navigating the complexities of raising a non-binary child can be challenging, especially in environments that reinforce traditional gender norms. Open communication and understanding are essential when discussing gender identity with others. This journey highlights the importance of advocating for acceptance and support, both at home and in the wider community.