Updated: May 14, 2020
Originally Published: Aug. 6, 2015
Being a child therapist presents unique challenges. While it’s inherently difficult to hear about the various struggles children face, the emotional toll often strikes at a personal level. As parents, we are particularly sensitive to criticism. Well-meaning partners, friends, and family members frequently point out our missteps. “Shouldn’t you approach it differently?” “Is that really the best decision?” “Does he need another snack?” Such comments can feel like arrows aimed directly at my parenting skills, my profession, and my overall competence. The pressure can be overwhelming.
No one is flawless, yet expectations can feel rigid. If a chef is expected to prepare a delightful meal, a child therapist seems tasked with raising exemplary children. As a new mom navigating both roles, I found myself inundated with societal standards of “good parenting.” My mental checklist began to grow even before my baby transitioned from the size of a grape to a peach:
- Give birth naturally
- Opt for an epidural
- Breastfeed
- Choose formula
- Co-sleep
- Establish a sleep schedule
- Encourage self-weaning
- Implement scheduled weaning
As my baby developed, so did the list of dos and don’ts:
- Avoid gluten, wheat, and dairy
- Steer clear of plastic and light-up toys
- Limit screen time
- Maintain a consistent bedtime
- Potty train early
- Delay potty training
- Avoid excessive praise
- Refrain from calling your daughter pretty
- Skip time-outs
- Embrace “time-ins”
- Avoid consequences
- Introduce consequences
- Reward achievements
- Abstain from rewards
- Don’t spank
- Use spanking
- Create a schedule
- Be flexible with routines
- Engage in playtime
- Allow independent play
- Label outbursts as meltdowns or tantrums
- Praise accomplishments
- Hold back praise
Then came the various parenting philosophies:
- Attachment parenting
- Free-range parenting
- Permissive parenting
- Helicopter parenting
What type of parent am I? What parenting style do I embody? This quest for clarity felt more challenging than completing my graduate studies. Could I rewind time and start over? Was it too late for a career change at 35?
On the other side of the therapy couch, I often hear parents criticize themselves. “She still sleeps with me… I know I shouldn’t.” “He watches too much TV… I know limits are important.” “We don’t want to praise him excessively… I know that’s frowned upon.” “She asks for my attention… I should engage more.” “We have a rigid routine… I need to be more adaptable.” “We lack a routine… I should establish some structure.”
For a time, I found myself entrenched in the mindset of “I must be a bad mother,” burdening myself with guilt and a mental list of parenting faux pas. I would sip my morning coffee while reflecting on my perceived failures:
- I tell my child she is beautiful; am I teaching her to value looks above all else?
- I frequently say “good job”; am I offering empty praise?
- My kids use iPads; am I damaging their developing minds?
- I sometimes lose my temper; am I a fraud?
With age and experience, I began to care less about the conflicting parenting guidelines that permeated my thoughts. By the time I had my third child, I realized I was feeling guilty over how I compliment my kids. Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember my mother stuffing us into a station wagon sans seatbelts, allowing us to roam freely until dusk, and heating microwave dinners without supervision. I sometimes went weeks without a shower, yet I thrived. Surely, my parenting efforts are superior to that experience. I mean, my kids bathe more than once a week; that’s a win! I actually prepare dinner three to four nights weekly, and occasionally I whip up pancakes for breakfast.
When parents come to see me, I do not judge them. I strive to understand their parenting style and provide support based on their values. Shouldn’t I extend that same understanding to myself? Why has parenting evolved into a judgmental arena reminiscent of high school? With all the challenges of stretch marks, sleepless nights, and the task of nurturing young lives, I am ready to relinquish the pressure.
Conclusion
In conclusion, parenting is a journey filled with questions and uncertainties. Instead of adhering to rigid standards, it’s essential to embrace the individuality of our families and support one another through this complex experience. For further insights into related topics, consider exploring our other blog posts, like this one on home insemination kits, which offers valuable information. Additionally, if you’re interested in enhancing fertility, check out this fertility booster for men for expert recommendations. Lastly, for a deeper understanding of reproductive health, the Genetics and IVF Institute provides an excellent resource.
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