In reflecting on my parenting, I noticed my son’s face lighting up as he held back a smile, biting his bottom lip in excitement. He was clearly proud of himself, nodding at all the right moments and displaying the politeness I had instilled in him. During a conversation, he expressed how much he enjoyed the praise he received at school, especially during teacher conferences. “I really like being a good student. It feels great to get so many compliments,” he said.
His enthusiasm wasn’t mere boasting; he was genuinely invested in the reward system around him, and as a parent, I felt a sense of pride, basking in the notion that my child was seen as “a joy to have in the classroom.” He diligently collected those gold stars because the affirmation felt rewarding. This led me to ponder, “Am I fostering a praise addict?”
It was a strange coincidence that earlier that day, while journaling, I was grappling with my own relationship with praise. I had been reading Alex Hart’s book, Finding Your Voice, which illuminated how my dependence on positive reinforcement may be hindering my personal growth. My son’s enjoyment of compliments struck a nerve in me, as I considered my own history with praise.
I realized I have often sought validation throughout my life. As a child, I mimicked adult behaviors, striving for independence while depending on external affirmations to validate my worth. In school, I consistently received high marks, and in my career, I craved acknowledgment and acceptance. Praise has not just been enjoyable for me; it has been a necessity that fuels my drive.
I have always been prepared to put in the effort, believing that on the other side, I would find success and a pat on the back. These affirmations come in various forms: a “Great job!” from a supervisor, a nod of approval for household chores, or the likes and shares I check with increasing frequency.
Recently, during a yoga class, while focusing on perfecting a pose, I found myself wondering if the instructor noticed my efforts. When he acknowledged my progress with, “Well done, Alex,” it confirmed my hard work was recognized.
However, as I observed my son reveling in the accolades, I became concerned. I didn’t want him to follow the same path of seeking approval. Hart suggests that being overly reliant on praise can limit our potential; it causes us to define our self-worth by external validation. To foster true change, we must aim to influence those in authority rather than merely seeking to please them.
As I read Hart’s insights, I recognized the extent of my need for change. Every chapter challenged my long-standing habits, each one a bitter pill that I knew I needed to swallow. I was left pondering, “What should a parent do?” I want to teach my children to respect themselves and those around them, which often comes with praise for their good behavior and manners. My partner and I take pride in our children’s ability to navigate various social environments.
Still, I don’t want them to become little praise-seeking automatons. I worry about them chasing accolades and, in the future, needing to break free from the cycle of seeking compliments. How can we, as Hart suggests, “unhook from praise” to prevent raising children who crave approval in the real world?
When my son expressed his enjoyment of compliments, I found myself at a loss for words. This was a pivotal parenting moment, and my instinct was to nurture that conversation. Unfortunately, I didn’t respond in the way I wished I could have. Here’s what I should have said:
“My dear son, you are remarkable for so many reasons. Your compassion and joy bring light to everything you do. You are a unique blend of humor and kindness, and I hope you never lose those qualities, as they are what make you who you are. A person’s worth isn’t measured by the compliments they receive. I want you to strive for your best, but above all, I want you to be true to yourself, even when it feels challenging.”
To which he would likely reply, “Can I have dessert?” Regardless of whether he understood my words, my journey to break the cycle of praise addiction continues. I believe that with awareness, we can balance between acknowledging achievements and fostering genuine self-worth.
While I crave validation for my parenting, I’m working towards not needing it—at least not as much.
In the grand scheme of things, the goal is to ensure that our children grow into well-adjusted individuals who value themselves for who they are, not just for the compliments they receive. For more on navigating parenting, you can explore resources like this article or check out this guide for insights on parenting and growth. Plus, if you’re interested in pregnancy resources, this NHS page is an outstanding tool.
Summary
This article explores the potential pitfalls of relying on praise as a primary source of validation for both parents and children. It highlights the importance of fostering intrinsic self-worth in children, rather than encouraging them to seek external approval, and reflects on the author’s personal journey with praise addiction.