My ten-year-old daughter, Lily, has a strong preference for clothing from the boys’ section. She gravitates toward oversized, unstructured t-shirts, often featuring superheroes like Spiderman. Lily consistently wears her hair in two braids, even while she sleeps. Her hair is thick, golden, and absolutely stunning. She boasts captivating, wide-set blue eyes, high cheekbones, and long, graceful limbs that remind me of a young foal. To me, she embodies beauty—but she is indifferent to it.
Last year, I insisted that she take her braids down for her school picture. This sparked a major disagreement. I resorted to psychological tactics, expressing my concern that her braids were a form of comfort and that I wanted her to be adaptable in her hairstyles. I even offered her a coveted toy, a lightsaber, as an incentive—a bribe that could have covered a week’s worth of groceries.
Beneath my concern for her emotional well-being, however, lay my true desire: I wanted her to appear pretty in her school pictures, with her hair cascading beautifully to showcase her to friends and family. On picture day, she compromised by wearing ponytails but briefly let her hair down for the photo. Naturally, all the girls in her class gushed, exclaiming how lovely she looked. Afterward, one of her classmates kindly braided her hair again.
When I received the school photo a month later, I felt accomplished; she looked beautiful with her flowing hair. Yet, she seemed almost unrecognizable—less like herself.
I have since come to terms with this. My daughter does not need to conform to my ideals of beauty. She shouldn’t feel obligated to care about her appearance. I do insist, however, that she wash her hair at least once a week; that’s my only non-negotiable rule. Importantly, Lily is learning to define herself beyond her looks, unlike my own upbringing and ongoing struggles with self-image.
What truly defines her now are her interests: crafting weapons from paper, mastering manga sketches through online tutorials, engaging in gaming adventures with her dad, diving into The Hunger Games with me, playing the piano, and even practicing judo. These pursuits reflect her vibrant spirit and creativity.
Children, in their unique ways, teach us valuable life lessons.
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In summary, I have shifted my perspective on my daughter’s appearance, recognizing that her worth lies in her passions and individuality rather than conforming to societal beauty standards.