Throughout my marriage, I often found myself contemplating divorce. Each time, I was struck by the thought of the holidays spent away from my child, the moments I would miss, and the challenges of shared custody. The mere idea of the holidays would stop me in my tracks. How does one wake up alone on Christmas morning without a child’s joyful anticipation? No cookies left for Santa, no Christmas pajamas to unwrap, no laughter, no shreds of wrapping paper scattered about, and no delighted squeals of excitement.
Two years ago, my ex-husband and I parted ways. During the holiday season that year, we both celebrated at home with our son. Our separation was fresh, making it the most practical arrangement. However, six months later, as we began the divorce proceedings in June 2014, I began mentally preparing for a lonely Christmas. The separation agreement stipulated that our son would spend Christmas with his father on even-numbered years.
The thought filled me with dread. When I read the terms, I cried, yearning to be with my little boy who had already spent most of his time in my care, experiencing the magic of Christmas. I felt selfish and bitter. Yet, in September, a call changed everything: my ex-husband was being deployed overseas. I would have my Christmas with my son, at least for that year.
Over the past 11 months, I have been bracing myself for a quiet Christmas. This year, I know I will awaken to silence, as my son’s father is now settled and will have him for the holiday. Can you imagine waking up alone on Christmas without your heart and soul there to share the day with you? I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve wept over this; my son even caught me during one of my vulnerable moments.
“Mom, why are you so sad?” he asked.
“Sweetheart, I’m just sad that I won’t see you on Christmas morning. That’s all.”
“You can just come to Daddy’s and see all the presents from Santa. Wouldn’t that be fun?”
Oh, how I wish I could explain to him that this isn’t how divorce works, and that holidays will rarely allow for both parents to be together. Despite his wishes, we will never again share a home.
In the two years since our separation, we have both moved forward, building intricate new lives. I have created a fulfilling existence and have found strength in single parenting that I didn’t know I possessed. Still, there is no amount of fortitude that can prepare me for waking up alone on Christmas.
The pain lingers because my family has fractured. I am not sure any parent truly heals from the knowledge that their family is no longer whole.
Last Sunday, I asked my mother if I could spend Christmas Eve with her. My new partner lives far away, making it impractical for us to be together. The thought of waking up alone in a house filled with twinkling lights, untouched gifts, and that silly Elf on the Shelf staring back at me, wondering where my little boy is, is unbearable.
No one should have to spend Christmas morning in solitude. While I have had two years to prepare, I still find myself unready for this reality.
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In summary, the holiday season can be particularly challenging for those adjusting to life changes. The feelings of loss and loneliness are valid, and seeking support is essential.