How Much Should We ‘Coddle’ Our Children?

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Parenting

By Dr. Emily Carter
Updated: August 3, 2016
Originally Published: October 19, 2005

Reflecting on my high school experiences, I recall a friend, Sarah, who is an incredibly driven individual and mother of four daughters. She embodies resilience and toughness; having played three varsity sports in college, she refused to sit out even during injuries. Her academic journey led her to an Ivy League law school, and she even tackled the bar exam while in labor. Now, she navigates a demanding career at a prestigious law firm, firmly believing in the importance of enduring pain. During playdates at the local park, I’ve witnessed her children endure injuries that would make me rush to the emergency room. Yet, she remains unfazed, arms crossed like an unwavering coach, insisting, “You’re fine. Get back out there.” Her daughters, despite their minor injuries, dust themselves off and rejoin the play.

In stark contrast, I find myself more lenient. As a mother to two boys, I often encounter tears—sometimes for valid reasons like scrapes, but often for seemingly trivial matters such as sand on hands in the sandbox or the end of playtime. I constantly find myself wiping away tears, trying to differentiate between legitimate emotional responses and those that seem exaggerated, such as crying over too much avocado on a plate. While I encourage my son to seek comfort after a fall on the playground, I draw the line at excessive weeping over minor frustrations.

By many standards, Sarah’s daughters appear “tougher” than my sons. They rarely cry, even during challenging preschool transitions, while my boys need time to adjust. A recent article in The New York Times, titled “Dear Parent, If Your Child Left It At Home, Don’t Bring It In,” discusses the growing trend of schools urging parents not to intervene when children forget essential items like homework. The message is clear: if a child forgets their assignment, they should face the consequences, learning responsibility in the process. This approach worked for one child, who subsequently became more organized.

However, we must recognize that children vary in their needs for support. Our societal emphasis on early independence often overlooks those who require more nurturing. The media tends to focus on “helicopter parenting,” while stories of families truly in need of assistance remain underreported.

Catherine Newman suggests that promoting “interdependence” is a value worth cultivating in our children. She reflects on an incident involving spilled flour and her son’s helpfulness, contrasting that with a harsher response that could have been detrimental. While it is essential for children to learn self-sufficiency—remembering homework, managing time, and taking responsibility—there may be gentler methods to achieve this. Instead of dismissing a child’s need for comfort or refusing to assist with forgotten school projects, we could foster empathy and support.

My friend and I attended a highly competitive high school and similar colleges. Upon graduating, I welcomed a break from that intense environment and sought a more relaxed lifestyle. Meanwhile, Sarah continues to instill a “no pain, no gain” philosophy in her daughters. My approach leans towards providing comfort and support; I want my boys to acknowledge and empathize with their own feelings as well as those of others, rather than simply “shaking it off.”

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In summary, the balance between nurturing and promoting independence in children is a nuanced topic that requires careful consideration. While some children thrive under rigorous expectations, others flourish with a bit more tenderness. Ultimately, fostering an environment that encourages empathy and support may lead to happier, more well-adjusted individuals.

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