When it comes to sleepless nights, parents seem to have a lot to say. “Oh, Charlie is the worst. He’s nearly 3, and he still wakes up at least twice a night! I can hardly function. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep since before he was born. I’m exhausted.” Or “You think you have it bad with Lucy? She’s up at 5 a.m. every day! Can you believe that?”
To those parents, I say: You’re amusing.
I’m a firm believer that every struggle is subjective. Your challenges are significant, even if they don’t compare to the hardships faced by others. Sadness is sadness, no matter who you are. But when it comes to children and their sleep patterns? My kids are unequivocally the worst sleepers in history. And my 4-year-old? He’s the reigning champion of sleeplessness.
My labor with him felt like an eternity — okay, it was 42 hours, but honestly, that’s still a lifetime! We left the hospital when he was just 2 hours old. He slept through most of our 25-minute drive home, even stopping for McDonald’s pancakes. Then he woke up and pretty much never went back to sleep.
Since he could talk (which happened way too early at 8 months), he’s been waking up every couple of hours to discuss various pressing matters. He often sneaks into our bed, sometimes drifting right back to sleep, but other times launching into a deep philosophical dialogue that probably requires a therapist’s expertise.
Among the many topics we’ve covered at 4 a.m., some are as trivial as gift ideas, while others dive deep into the mysteries of the cosmos (which, frankly, I can’t even begin to fathom). But here are 13 of the more common things that keep him (and me) awake at night:
- Carburetors
What’s a carburetor? I have no idea. It’s in a car, I know that much. Apparently, they stopped using them in the early ’90s. Thanks for the trivia, buddy. - Math/Solar Power
How do these connect? It’s dark at 4 a.m., making it tricky to use a solar-powered calculator. But with the lights on full blast, sleep is definitely off the table. - Life
How does a baby get into a uterus? How does it come out? Why don’t I have a uterus? Can you have another baby? Wait, where did your uterus go? Did they use a robot? Can we get a robot? - Death
What happens after we die? We told him it’s a mystery. Never say that to a 4-year-old. After trying to explain heaven and reincarnation, we finally said, “You can come back as yourself!” Desperation does strange things. - Hamsters
His sister’s hamster, who has passed away — why did the cat get it? How did it die? What happens to hamsters when they die? Apparently, they come back as cats. - Trucks
Big trucks, specifically. What do they carry? Why are they so large? Where are they headed? If we had one, what would happen? - Birthdays and Holidays
How long until my birthday? What gifts will I get? Can I have a hamster for my birthday? Will the cat eat it? If I have to do one more birthday countdown in the middle of the night, I’m canceling it. - The Moon
What’s it made of? Why can we only see part of it? Where does it go during the day? Can we go there? No, just go to sleep. - The Air Conditioner
How does it work? What makes the air cold? Can the fan chop off hands? Yes, it only chops the hands off boys who don’t sleep. Any boys you know who aren’t sleeping? - Exhaust Systems
What’s in exhaust? Why does it cause global warming? Should we ride our bikes more? What happens when the ice caps melt? We drown. That’s the end of that. - More Trucks
Different sizes, types, exhaust systems. Why are kids so fascinated with trucks? - The Sun
Why is it hot? What gases make it up? What if it burns out? If it does, we all die, and we won’t come back, because death is a mystery.
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In summary, parenting a restless preschooler means endless late-night discussions that often defy logic. If you’re in the same boat, know that you’re not alone.