Parenting can feel like navigating uncharted waters. No parent has all the answers, and despite our best efforts to instill values like kindness and responsibility in our children, there’s always the possibility that they might not turn out as we hope. It’s a daunting thought, especially for a dad like me who loves his three kids deeply. I want them to grow into compassionate, successful individuals. My ultimate goal? For them to surpass me in every way. But what if they don’t? What does that say about my parenting?
At my job at a university, I often discuss Stephen Covey’s concept of the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence with incoming freshmen. The Circle of Concern includes a wide array of worries—our health, our children’s futures, work-related stresses, and even global issues like wars and political instability. On the other hand, the Circle of Influence refers to the aspects of life we can actually impact.
The aim of this lesson is to help students focus on what they can control to alleviate anxiety. You can’t change the weather, but you can carry an umbrella. You might have a difficult professor, but you can utilize textbooks, online resources, and study groups to succeed.
As I teach this concept, I often reflect on my greatest worry as a parent: what kind of people my kids will become. Will they hold strong morals? What ambitions will they chase? And if they don’t meet my expectations, how much of that will I internalize as a failure on my part?
This is the paradox of parenting. While we believe we have significant control over our children, they are unique individuals who will eventually forge their own paths—paths we can only hope to influence. I struggle with this, not because I’m a control freak, but because the thought of my children falling short of their potential is overwhelming. I know I’ll replay moments in my mind, questioning where I went wrong, and that guilt is something I want to avoid—for both their sake and mine.
So, I’ve decided to shift my focus from my Circle of Concern to my Circle of Influence. The reality is, the only thing I can truly control is myself. I can be a good example as a father. I can teach my kids valuable lessons, show them how to treat others with respect, and model the values I hold dear. I can influence how they perceive education, passions, and what it means to be a good person, regardless of race or background.
The world is filled with negative influences, and someday my children will navigate social media, political stances, and public opinions. They may even become the type of social media user that some embrace and others unfollow. While I can’t control these external influences, I can create a nurturing environment at home. I can lay a solid foundation and openly discuss the kind of people I hope they’ll become.
Ultimately, it’s about action—demonstrating the values I want my children to embody. This isn’t just about telling them how to be good; it’s about showing them through my actions. We must listen as much as we speak, and our guidance should be backed by our own behaviors. Many of you are already doing this, gently guiding your children toward a bright future and exemplifying love and care. If that’s the case, then you’re effectively working within your Circle of Influence, which is the most valuable thing you can do as a parent.
As I ponder this journey, I often see memes suggesting that it’s our job to parent the “bad” out of our kids. While humorous, it leaves me wondering what that truly looks like. Perhaps it’s about focusing on our Circle of Control, seizing every moment to guide our children toward becoming strong, ethical individuals. And if they still stray from our teachings despite our best efforts, we can find solace in knowing we provided a thoughtful example and guidance.
At the end of this parenting adventure, I believe every parent hopes to feel confident in their efforts to raise their children right.
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In summary, while we may not have control over every aspect of our children’s lives, we can actively influence their growth through our actions, values, and guidance. Focus on what you can control, and trust that you’re doing your best as a parent.