As my children transition into their teenage years, our approach to discipline has evolved. Let’s be real: a 12-year-old doesn’t quite fit in the time-out chair anymore. Instead, we’ve tailored our discipline methods to align with their individual personalities, aiming to turn misbehavior into teachable moments. I’ve often heard that every child has their own “currency,” and for my kids, the withdrawal of privileges or extra chores serves as an effective form of consequence. We engage in open discussions about their actions, and we implement fair, appropriate responses that resonate with their teenage missteps. We believe that dwelling on past mistakes doesn’t help children grasp long-term consequences.
That’s why grounding isn’t part of our discipline strategy, nor do we restrict their social interactions as punishment.
Reflecting on my own childhood, I remember the thrill of biking over to a friend’s house on a sunny day, hoping to find someone to ride with. I vividly recall a time when I knocked on my friend’s door, only to be met with a disappointed expression as she revealed, “I can’t go out today; I’m grounded for a week.” As a young kid, I felt the weight of her punishment, realizing that grounding didn’t just affect her—it impacted our friendship too.
Fast forward to today, and it’s clear that kids today experience life differently than we did. Gone are the days of freely biking around the neighborhood or gathering at parks until dusk. Nowadays, children are often glued to their screens, engaging in virtual interactions rather than face-to-face conversations. Social media has replaced the simple joy of knocking on doors, and it’s evident that today’s generation communicates in tweets rather than in person.
This shift is precisely why my kids won’t find themselves at our doorstep announcing that they’ve been cut off from all social interaction. Regardless of their mistakes, they will still attend birthday parties and Friday night football games. These experiences are crucial for them to foster friendships, just as important as their academic responsibilities. While we had the chance to develop strong interpersonal skills without the distractions of social media, I want my children to savor those moments of real-life connection—like feeling the excitement of a crowd when their team scores a goal or experiencing the nervous thrill of seeing a crush at a party.
With social opportunities so limited, it seems counterproductive to take away those moments of connection as a form of punishment. Just as practicing the piano or mastering math is essential, so too is socializing during the teenage years. And honestly, who wants to be stuck at home with a moody teenager? Not me.
Additionally, grounding can prevent kids from fulfilling responsibilities to their teams or clubs. For instance, removing your daughter from the basketball team due to sassiness or keeping your son from rehearsals for the school play puts them in a position to disappoint their peers. I’d rather discuss their behavior and implement consequences that align with our family values than publicly shame them for typical teenage mistakes. Besides, aside from serious issues like drugs or violence, it’s hard to justify a week of isolation for standard teenage misbehavior.
Instead of grounding, my husband and I often choose to revoke privileges related to social media or favorite shows. We recognize that while their world differs from ours, it’s our responsibility to ensure that their consequences impart valuable lessons about becoming good individuals. We want them to know that we won’t use their social lives as leverage to enforce behavior. Being a teenager today comes with unique challenges, and now more than ever, children need their friends. I won’t hinder their social growth.
Though I may be flexible on grounding, my kids understand that I have my limits. I am the keeper of the iPad and the driver to their activities, as well as the overseer of their social calendar. While I won’t ground them, I’m more than willing to cut off their screen time without hesitation.
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In summary, our approach to discipline focuses on fostering communication and connection rather than isolation. Grounding simply doesn’t align with the needs of today’s teenagers, and we strive to create an environment where they can thrive socially while learning from their mistakes.
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