Just over a week ago, I discovered I was pregnant. It’s been six weeks since my last period, and deep down, I knew the test would come back positive. When I walked into the room, my husband paused his video game, and I shared the news. We both sat there on the couch, staring blankly ahead, unsure of what to say next.
This wasn’t an unexpected pregnancy. I’m a thirty-five-year-old woman with a stable career in San Francisco, a life I’ve diligently built over the last decade. My husband and I had discussed the possibility of having a child and decided that now was the right time. I went off birth control, and for the past seven months, we left it to fate. If I became pregnant, we would embrace it; if not, we would continue our lives as usual.
We’re both well-educated and aware of what unprotected sex can lead to, yet the realization of being pregnant—something we both desired—was overwhelming in the worst way possible.
It wasn’t until the next day that we finally began to address the pregnancy. Initially, we entertained the idea that perhaps the test was faulty, or that since we hadn’t taken it first thing in the morning, it didn’t count. But as days passed, the truth became undeniable: we were about to welcome a baby into our lives.
Since that moment, I’ve found myself overwhelmed with tears. They come unexpectedly—while brushing my teeth or grabbing a snack at work—not the happy tears you would expect, but deep, sorrowful sobs that feel relentless.
I needed to share my feelings with someone, to hear that everything would be alright. I called my mom, hoping for the reassurance I craved.
“Are you so excited?” was her immediate response.
I broke down, muffling my sobs so she wouldn’t hear. No, I wasn’t excited. I felt fear, anger, and sadness—everything but joy.
Guilt washed over me. Isn’t feeling sad upon discovering a pregnancy something that only happens in movies? In those stories, women cry tears of joy, and partners celebrate with grand announcements. The thought of doing anything similar made me anxious.
What was wrong with me? Did this mean I wouldn’t be a good mother? Maybe I was the only woman who felt disheartened by what was supposed to be a planned pregnancy.
I urged myself to avoid the Internet, knowing I’d only find words that wouldn’t resonate with my feelings. But curiosity got the best of me. I typed into Google, “I just found out I’m pregnant and I’m not excited.” To my surprise, a plethora of articles filled my screen. One caught my attention—a woman shared her own story of feeling lost despite having a successful career and a loving partner. She, too, had decided to try for a baby, but upon learning she was pregnant, she felt an overwhelming sense of uncertainty.
“I’m not excited. How can I bring a child into the world when I feel this way?” she wrote.
A weight lifted off my shoulders. Here was someone who seemed to understand my turmoil; someone who cherished their child-free life and had aspirations, yet felt sadness at the thought of impending motherhood.
As I scrolled through the comments, I braced myself for negative reactions. After all, many women struggle for years to conceive. But instead, I found compassion and understanding. One woman, who had endured multiple miscarriages, shared her own feelings of sadness when she realized she would carry her baby to term. Another recounted a mourning phase she experienced when she was expecting her first child, grieving for the life she had before the pregnancy.
Sure, I thought, they might be just random voices from the Internet. But I needed to connect with someone who understood. I hesitated to reach out to anyone else, but I texted a close friend who has a child.
“I’m not ready for this to be public yet, but I’m pregnant and I’m freaking out. Please tell me that’s normal,” I wrote.
Her call came almost instantly, and she didn’t say congratulations first. Instead, she reassured me, “It’s totally normal.”
I felt a breath I didn’t know I was holding finally escape. She shared her own experience of waiting to tell her husband, even when they had been trying for a baby. She cried, cursed, and felt as if her life was ending. It wasn’t until she heard her daughter’s heartbeat that she felt anything other than despair.
After that call, I cried some more, but this time, it was mixed with relief. I wasn’t alone; this experience was, indeed, normal.
I’ll need to remind myself of that truth time and again over the next eight months. My friends will help reinforce this, and I’m sure I’ll look it up online a few more times. But the reality is this: feeling uncertain about a pregnancy is common, and I am not alone in this.
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Summary
Pregnancy can evoke a whirlwind of emotions, and it’s perfectly normal to feel anything but excitement. In this journey, it’s essential to recognize that feelings of uncertainty are shared by many. Connecting with others and finding supportive resources can help navigate the complexities of this life-changing experience.
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