Welcome to the third night of the Republican National Convention! The theme tonight is “Make America First Again,” a slogan that seems to echo the sentiment that our initials stand for more than just the United States. With an intriguing lineup of speakers and a highly anticipated appearance from Donald Trump, it’s hard not to feel a mix of excitement and apprehension. Given the drama that unfolded over the previous nights, one can’t help but wonder what chaos awaits us tonight.
Governor Sam Davis, Florida
Greetings, everyone! I’m Sam Davis, the Governor of Florida. Before Donald Trump makes his grand entrance, I want to extend my gratitude for the support our state has received following the tragic events in Orlando. The LGBTQ+ community also wishes to convey their appreciation, though they’d like to remind you not to infringe upon their rights. But hey, that’s just their message, not mine.
Terrorism used to be a distant concern, something that happened in far-off lands. Now, it feels like we’re living in a constant state of fear. How many more tragedies like Orlando, San Bernardino, and Fort Hood must we endure before we see real honesty in our leadership? Let’s not forget what connects those incidents—an uncomfortable discussion that many prefer to avoid.
This is the year we get to “fire” the politicians. And who better to do that than a reality star whose catchphrase is “You’re fired”? It’s a strange logic, but it’s what we’re working with.
Attorney General Jenna Marks, Florida
Unfortunately, we couldn’t catch much of Jenna’s speech; we suspect she is still recovering from a recent, not-so-flattering encounter with a well-known news anchor that left her quite shaken.
Colonel Ava Reynolds, Retired, First Female Commander of a U.S. Space Shuttle
Finally, a candidate who dares to address space exploration! It’s a quintessentially American pursuit, isn’t it? From the dawn of our nation, there has always been a quest for the next frontier, even if it means stepping on a few toes along the way.
Senator Carlos Mendoza, State Legislature
Hello, everyone! Before Donald Trump rises from the stage like a phoenix, I’d like to discuss the aspirations of the Hispanic community. We dream of escaping countries rife with corruption to seek refuge in the United States. My parents did it legally, as many have, and we deserve recognition. The current leadership has driven a wedge between us and the Democrats, who simply don’t deserve our support! [Cue enthusiastic applause from the audience.]
Governor Eric Hastings, Wisconsin
HELLO, I AM ERIC HASTINGS AND I’M LOUD! AMERICA DESERVES BETTER THAN HILLARY CLINTON. WE’VE WORKED HARD, AND NOW WE WANT OUR DUE. HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH? TOO BAD, I’M NOT DONE YET!
Lily Carter, The Trump Foundation
Let’s address the elephant in the room: Black lives, including mine, often seem to matter less. But I stand here for Donald Trump, not in spite of my race but because of it. Where have they been hiding me?
Senator Ryan Brooks (via video)
So, Hillary isn’t the answer, right? Well, let’s just go with the alternative. That’s all I have to say.
Senator Ted Gardner
I want to congratulate Donald Trump on securing the nomination last night. This election is crucial—what if it’s our last chance to make a difference? I often ask myself if I’ve done enough, and I always conclude that I have.
The Republican Party’s origins lie in the fight against slavery, a legacy we must remember. Irony, anyone? [As Ted speaks, the flag behind him flickers unexpectedly.]
As we strive for our nominee’s ideals, I urge you to vote with your conscience. Choose candidates who will protect our freedoms and uphold the Constitution.
Newt Adams, Former Speaker of the House
Before Donald Trump’s hologram makes its entrance, let’s clarify what Ted just said: he wants you to vote for someone who will uphold the Constitution. And that someone has to be Donald Trump.
Now, let’s talk about our imminent doom and who might bring it upon us. There’s a lot of fear out there, and while most Muslims aren’t our enemy, the reality is that the threat exists.
If we survive until November, don’t forget to vote for Trump.
Mike Porter, Vice Presidential Nominee and Governor
I accept your nomination to serve as Vice President of the United States. For those who don’t know me, I’m a veteran and a family man. I’m here to make some big changes—huge changes, in fact.
If I become Vice President, I promise to pray daily, because we’re going to need all the help we can get.
And then, Donald Trump made his grand entrance.
In summary, the night was filled with a mix of predictable rhetoric and audacious claims, leaving many to wonder what lies ahead for the party and the nation. For those curious about family planning, you might find helpful insights in this article on intrauterine insemination, or check out this reputable online retailer of at-home insemination syringe kits to assist you on your journey. Additionally, for more engaging discussions, you can visit our other post here.
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