Parenting can feel like a labyrinth of advice, especially when it comes to sleep habits. As a mom, I’ve observed that children come into this world with their own unique temperaments. My first child, Max, has always been a spirited little guy, full of determination and energy. Meanwhile, my second son, Leo, entered the world with an easy smile and a twinkle in his eye. His joyful nature remains, making him a creative and empathetic soul—though he’s still rebellious in his own right.
Beyond their personalities, I also believe that infants possess distinct “sleep temperaments.” While factors like feeding methods (breastfed babies often wake more frequently because breast milk is digested faster than formula) and sleep associations are certainly important, it seems some babies naturally find it easier to soothe themselves to sleep.
For instance, I recently witnessed a newborn named Emma, who was nestled comfortably beside her mother. After a nursing session, she appeared drowsy yet not fully asleep. As she gazed across the room at me, I watched in amazement as her eyes gradually closed, and she drifted off to sleep—all while smiling. It was a sight I had never seen before.
I remembered how I had tried the “put your baby down drowsy but awake” advice with both of my boys, only to be met with wide eyes and confused expressions as soon as I laid them down. I asked Emma’s mother what her secret was. “She’s just always been this way,” she replied, and when I inquired about sleep training, she said she hadn’t done it. Emma didn’t rely on pacifiers, thumb-sucking, or any particular soothing methods, and yet she was peacefully asleep amid a lively gathering.
In contrast, it wasn’t until Max turned 9 that I could finally tuck him in and leave the room without a fuss. This milestone came around the ages of 7 or 8, although I was often too sleep-deprived to remember exactly when it started.
Many parents choose to sleep train their children, but that was a path my family never ventured down. For one, I couldn’t bear the thought of letting my baby cry, and I was also convinced it wouldn’t work for my boys, given their unique sleep styles. I’ve encountered plenty of other babies for whom sleep training was either ineffective or only temporarily successful, often derailing after interruptions like illness or vacations.
If you find yourself in the same boat as I was—with a baby who hasn’t learned to self-soothe, or if your attempts at sleep training fell flat—know this: you are not a failure. It can be incredibly challenging to manage a child who struggles with sleep, but it doesn’t reflect poorly on you or them.
Teaching self-soothing skills is not a prerequisite for healthy sleep. While it can simplify nighttime routines, lying awake in the dark, waiting for your child to settle down, can be exhausting. There are ways to manage it. Consider alternating bedtime duties with your partner, co-sleeping for comfort, or even using a tablet to distract your little one so you can catch some much-needed rest. Make self-care a priority; there are strategies to reclaim your sleep and sanity.
Most importantly, even if you never actively teach your child to self-soothe, they will likely develop that skill naturally. I can’t predict when this will happen, but I assure you it will come. Children generally have an innate desire for independence. After all, no one heads off to college needing their mom to rock them to sleep.
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In summary, it’s perfectly fine if your kids don’t learn to self-soothe right away. With time and patience, they’ll find their own way to sleep independently, and you’ll navigate this journey together.
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