What Happens Every Time I Attempt to Diet

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As a mother of a nearly five-year-old, I find myself still grappling with the remnants of baby weight. Some days, I embrace my new curves and accept my 40-something body, complete with its little imperfections. Yet, during moments like bathing suit shopping, I can’t help but long for my carefree teenage body, where nachos and soda didn’t seem to come with any consequences. Those days are long gone, and I must confront the reality that I can no longer indulge in late-night snacks while binge-watching my favorite shows without facing serious health repercussions.

Roughly once a month, I convince myself that this time, I will finally shed those extra pounds. So, I mark Monday on my calendar and commit to a diet. After countless attempts, I’ve noticed a pattern in my dieting endeavors.

Here’s how it typically unfolds when I embark on a diet:

1. I announce to everyone that I’m not “going on a diet.” Instead, I’m making a “lifestyle change,” because who really believes diets are effective? Deep down, though, I know I’m still on a diet.
2. After my first meal in this new “lifestyle,” I step on the scale—only after using the bathroom and ensuring I’m completely dry. I even subtract a pound for good measure, just in case. If I eat one egg white for breakfast, I expect to see at least a five-pound loss.
3. After a couple of healthy meals, I can’t help but rave about my new diet to anyone who will listen. I become an evangelist for my chosen eating plan, creating Pinterest boards and sharing my progress on social media. Let’s just say, I become a bit of a nuisance.
4. I raid my pantry, throwing out all white sugar, processed foods, gluten, animal products, and anything else that doesn’t align with the latest food trend I’ve adopted. I label these items as “POISONS!” and “TOXINS!” and, of course, I genuinely believe it.
5. When invited to a dinner party, I’m the person who brings my own food in glass containers, claiming I have special dietary needs.
6. After a few days of not losing weight, I opt for an herbal cleanse or a juice fast, convinced that drastic measures will yield quick results. Usually, I just end up with a stomachache and return to regular eating.
7. I start taking daily walks and, of course, weigh myself afterward. When I discover I’ve only burned about 40 calories from a mile walk, frustration sets in. I think about how I would need to walk to the moon and back to enjoy my favorite snacks guilt-free.
8. Suddenly, alternative weight loss treatments seem appealing, so I book an appointment with a holistic practitioner or an acupuncturist. They promise miraculous results after discussing my bowel habits—a topic they seem quite concerned about. I leave with a hefty bill and a Ziploc bag filled with some strange supplement.
9. I decide to try that new supplement the waitress at my local pizza place raved about, even though it costs $29 for just a handful of tablets. If it works, it’ll be worth it, right?
10. When someone tells me I’m not losing weight because I’m gaining muscle, it takes all my strength not to throw them down an elevator shaft—thanks to my newfound muscles.
11. On day three, I find myself trying on size 2 jeans from high school, convinced I’ll fit into them again one day. I can barely get them past my knees.
12. By day five, I feel like I’ve cured all my ailments, attributing it all to my new diet. I don’t even crave anything unhealthy!
13. Lesson learned: avoid weight loss trends you see on TV. Trust me, mixing chia seeds with water to create a sludgy drink is definitely not appetizing and will keep you nauseated all day.
14. A week in, I start wondering if chocolate chips count as calories. They’re tiny, right? So, I happily indulge in handfuls of them.
15. I find myself questioning when cheat day is. Wait, there’s no cheat day? That’s ridiculous! I convince myself that cheat days are essential for metabolism—so I dig into macaroni and cheese, apple pie, and ice cream. After all, I’m taking those powdered supplements, so I must be fine.
16. At another dinner party, I manage to eat everything except the bread. Skipping it makes me feel virtuous, and I think about how a walk will burn off a fraction of those dessert calories.
17. I come to the realization that the only diet I’ve ever succeeded on is the Low Crab Diet. Since I’m not a big fan of shellfish, I pretty much never eat crabs, although I wouldn’t turn down a crab cake if offered.
18. Okay, I fell off the wagon again. Next Monday, it’s going to be paleo-vegan for me. Oh, wait—PMS is coming, so that week doesn’t count. I’ll start fresh the following week.

Unfortunately, the reality of weight loss tends to boil down to exercising a lot, eating a balanced diet, or finding yourself stranded on a deserted island. Since none of these are likely options, I’ll stick to enjoying pasta in moderation and embracing my current self—at least until I need a new swimsuit or hear about the latest health craze involving grass clippings. For more insights on navigating these challenges, check out our blog post on what happens every time I try to diet. And if you’re interested in home insemination products, consider visiting Make a Mom for their reputable at-home syringe kits or explore ASRM for valuable resources on pregnancy and home insemination.

In summary, the cycle of dieting can be humorous yet frustrating, filled with well-intentioned plans that often lead to unexpected detours. As many of us navigate the ups and downs of weight loss, embracing ourselves and finding balance seems to be the most sustainable path forward.