Fascinating Womanhood, penned by Helen Andelin in 1963, draws from a series of booklets that originated in the 1920s and ’30s. This book has sold a staggering two million copies over the decades. Depending on whom you ask, it’s either a guide to the ideal roles for women in the home or a manual that can spark a feminist fire in even the most traditional bakers.
Among the most discussed aspects of the book is a list of dos and don’ts for women, which often makes its rounds in various discussions, including women’s studies classes. While I’m sure some women might find this guidance valuable, I personally see it as outdated and not conducive to fostering equality and partnership in marriage. In fact, some of these points are just as belittling to men as they are to women. So, let’s dive into this list and explore a modern husband’s perspective on the 1963 dos and don’ts.
The Don’ts
Don’t try to change him.
Oh, absolutely you should! Change is essential in a marriage. Both partners will evolve, and it’s vital to support and encourage each other’s growth while addressing any negative behaviors. If you think you’ve married someone who won’t ever change, it’s time to reassess. Change is part of the journey.
Don’t show indifference, contempt, or ridicule toward his masculine abilities, achievements, or ideas.
So, if his ideas are “masculine,” does that mean they deserve your unwavering support? It sounds like a call for women to feign interest in their husbands’ endeavors simply because they are masculine. No, thank you! My wife and I have different passions, and that’s perfectly okay. Let’s promote genuine interest in shared ideas and encourage each other’s unique pursuits.
Don’t try to excel him in anything which requires masculine ability.
Not a chance! If you want to pursue endeavors like drag racing or extreme sports, go full throttle! There’s no such thing as “masculine ownership” of skills. It’s high time we acknowledge that abilities are not gendered.
Don’t let the outside world crowd you for time to do your homemaking tasks well.
Is homemaking really the priority here? In 2013, 40% of households with children had mothers who were the primary earners. Bringing home the bacon isn’t what it once was. Both partners should share the responsibilities of homemaking and finances, and if a woman wants to pursue her education or other opportunities, it benefits the entire family.
Don’t have a lot of preconceived ideas of what you want out of life.
Absolutely chase your dreams! Life is about adapting and growing. If your aspirations aren’t aligning with your reality, work together with your partner to make those dreams a reality.
Don’t stand in the way of his decisions or his law.
But what if his decisions are poor? It’s crucial to communicate openly and honestly about any misguided choices, regardless of who makes them.
The Dos
Accept him at face value.
Trust is key, but if you have doubts or questions, ask! Open communication is vital in today’s world.
Admire his manliness.
Compliments are lovely, but let’s not treat masculinity as some sacred concept. Appreciate each other for who you are, in love.
Recognize his superior strength and ability.
No, just no! Let’s celebrate each other’s strengths without fostering a hierarchy based on gender.
Be a Domestic Goddess.
Good luck with that! Instead, engage in meaningful conversations about each other’s goals and aspirations, and see how you can support one another.
Revere your husband and honor his right to rule you and your children.
Stop right there! No one rules anyone in marriage. Let’s rewrite this to “revere each other and work together to foster a loving, supportive, and collaborative home.” Now that feels right.
As a father, I can say that while this list may have resonated in 1963, it simply doesn’t align with today’s values. We live in an egalitarian era where both partners must share responsibilities and leverage each other’s strengths. Ultimately, love and partnership are what make a relationship thrive.
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To sum it up, both partners in a marriage should work as equals, embracing change, supporting each other’s dreams, and collaborating to create a nurturing environment.
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